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DEAR MISS MANNERS: I know this will probably sound trivial, but: Who should decide who gets the leftover birthday cake?

See? I told you it was trivial.

I made a birthday cake for my nephew. While I was icing it, I mentioned to his mom (my sister-in-law) that we could share the leftovers. She replied that it was his cake, so he got all of it. I dropped the subject at the time, as it wasn't worth fighting over.

That night, we sang "Happy Birthday" and sliced into the cake. Then my sister-in-law said, "Just think, Jasper: That's all yours."

This time I was not silent. In my sweetest voice, I said, "But you'll share some with me."

Then my sister-in-law started talking about how it wasn't good manners, that the cake belonged to the birthday boy and that even though I made it, it wasn't mine.

So, is the cake part of his birthday present? Or is the hostess or the baker the one who decides how the food should be distributed?

GENTLE READER: Apparently you do consider this worth fighting over.

And a most unseemly battle it is, on both sides. Miss Manners' only sympathies are with the child, whose birthday was hijacked by two grown-ups haggling over his leftover cake.

She is forced to rule that the cake was, in effect, presented to the nephew, as the dessert to be shared with everyone at the table. So, no -- the baker should not make off with what is left.

Years later, your nephew's wife will wonder why he begs her not to present him with a birthday cake, which would stir memories of his mother and aunt quarreling.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am on a very limited income. A stamp is nearly a dollar, and that dollar can buy me a can of generic soup. I get free internet access, so email messages are how I write.

Should I give up a meal to send someone a thank-you note in the mail? Are their delicate sensibilities more important than me eating?

GENTLE READER: Congratulations on your attempt to make it seem heartless to express gratitude to others. No doubt you picture Miss Manners harassing the unhoused for not giving dinner parties.

But yes, the delicate sensibilities of people who have been generous to you are important. You should be thanking them as best you can. Are those emails more than perfunctory notes? Are they specific and convincingly grateful?

Miss Manners worries about that. The example of how you approached her, to whom you owe nothing but common civility, is not reassuring.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper to have a housewarming party for a man and woman who are building a house together, but aren't married?

GENTLE READER: Only if their building permit is legal.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN