Old Building, Same Old Neighbor Disputes
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a vintage three-flat condo building in Chicago. One recent morning at 6, I received a text from my downstairs neighbor that read, "Tell your niece or nephew to stop running in the hallway. It's very loud."
I was a bit stunned. My 2-year-old niece had, in fact, briefly run down the hallway -- but it was a single moment of toddler glee as her family was leaving the building. I wanted to respond, "Yes, let me just explain the concept of condo living and shared acoustics to a 2-year-old who recently graduated from diapers," but instead I replied, "Good morning to you, too, Sharon. The guests have departed the building."
Meanwhile, the same neighbor's dog barks at all hours, day and night, and a large shoe rack sits outside their unit door -- an eyesore and a fire code violation.
Since then, she seems to be avoiding me. I don't want a neighborly cold war, but I also don't feel I owe her an apology. Miss Manners, how does one navigate such lopsided standards -- where a toddler's footsteps prompt an early morning demand, but a barking dog and hallway hazards go unaddressed?
GENTLE READER: Save for that somewhat sarcastic "you, too, Sharon," your response was perfectly polite. Perhaps it successfully shamed your neighbor into silence -- and will also shame her into cleaning up her space and quieting her dog.
But probably not. Miss Manners therefore suggests that you wait a reasonable length of time and send her a note, politely asking if those things can be addressed. Your speaking about it directly may also help alleviate any retaliatory need for sarcasm.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Three months ago, my husband was killed in a car accident. Our children and I have been struggling personally, spiritually and financially since the accident. It feels close to impossible.
When I'm at work or out in public, people have been approaching me and asking, "How are you doing?" The thing is, they don't really want the answer. That would be something like, "I'm heartbroken and miserable and I wasn't able to bring myself to shower this morning. My youngest child has nightmares all night, every night, so none of us have slept, and we're going to have frozen pizza for dinner for the fourth night in a row. Sometimes it feels like I can't breathe," followed by tears.
I recognize that that's too much. If I say something neutral, like "We're getting by" or "Every day is different," I get pressed for follow-up details, which again leads to tears. Changing the subject is ineffectual, as people ignore the pivot until they get the response they are looking for.
What I want is to not have this conversation at all. Is there something I can say that is polite but firm and makes it clear they should stop asking?
GENTLE READER: "I appreciate your concern, but I find it too difficult to talk about right now. When I am ready, I will let you know."
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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