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DEAR MISS MANNERS: When I am with someone in person, I think it is rude to answer the phone (the message being that the caller is more important than our conversation). A friend claims that she only intends to pick up and say she will call them back.

But sometimes there is an exchange, and I am sitting there waiting till she finishes. I always let my calls go to voicemail when I am with a real person. That is what voicemail is for.

She says my way is rude, and I say her way is rude. I would appreciate your phone etiquette pronouncement.

GENTLE READER: People selling things and those in their grips -- which, these days, seems to be everyone -- promote the idea that Technology Changes Everything.

Miss Manners has noticed that this is seldom the case as regards etiquette.

When someone shows up at your door unannounced (or calls your phone) when you are not in a position to offer a welcome, it is proper to expect that the would-be visitor will leave a card (or leave a message on your voicemail). In certain circumstances, you might choose to answer the door (or pick up).

Yes, it is possible to say politely that you will have to call the person back because you are engaged, but it is difficult to do so gracefully -- and generally unnecessary. Barring the discovery of the oft-cited genuine emergency, leaving your original companion waiting indefinitely does not qualify as polite -- even if the caller is no less "real" for being at a distance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My niece is getting married in April. She has chosen not to invite her third cousins. I was planning to ask my 20-year-old grandson to be my plus-one. He will drive and pay for our hotel costs. The location is very exclusive and super-expensive.

The problem is that my grandson is actually a third cousin. Can he still be my plus-one? My brother and sons now say they're not going if the grandson is not able to go. They are a tight group and we all do things together.

GENTLE READER: Anyone who believes that explaining the logic behind the guest list will silence objections by demonstrating its fairness has never hosted a wedding.

Invitations are properly issued to people, not titles or relationships, which is why Miss Manners has never approved of the casual stranger who attends as a plus-one. Issuing positive invitations to individuals -- rather than posting rules -- also avoids drawing attention to who is being excluded.

If, as seems likely, the ban on third cousins was an organizing principle you heard stated -- rather than one printed on your invitation -- then your grandson qualifies as a plus-one and may go. But if your niece was rude enough to exclude third cousins in print, then your male relatives have the right idea -- though perhaps, in the interest of family harmony, you should regret that you are unable to attend without being as explicit about your thinking as your niece was about hers.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN