Be Friendly-Ish To Departing Co-Worker
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A teacher I have worked with for the last 13 years is retiring at the end of the school year. Teachers have been asked to submit a 4x6 card with a message to her for an album. She will most likely be having a retirement party as well.
She has treated me very meanly over the years. She is capable of being very nice one minute, and cold -- sometimes even cruel -- the next. When she is nice, you could never tell that she has another side, which she always shows to me when no one else is around.
Please tell me the mannerly requirements with regard to the note and anything else related to her retirement.
GENTLE READER: She is leaving! You will not have to endure her hot-and-cold (or perhaps lukewarm-and-freezing) behavior again. So there is no cost to your being gracious. Except, of course, in giving up the satisfaction of letting her know that she mistreated you.
Isn't that worth maintaining your dignity and preserving the peace until she disappears?
Oh, all right. You don't have to go to the party. You don't even have to make an excuse, although it might be useful to make another engagement when you know the date, in case you are questioned.
On the card, you can write, "I hope you enjoy your retirement."
And yes, you do. You wouldn't want her to miss the school so much that she tries to return.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My in-laws will attend the visitation of someone they've never met, and stay from beginning to end, only because they barely know a relative of the deceased. They will also go to the cemetery or mausoleum for the funeral itself, then return to the church for the meal -- but if the luncheon is served at the home of a family member, they go home.
I find this odd and ghoulish. What is the proper etiquette for attending funerals?
GENTLE READER: That is an odd form of recreation, Miss Manners admits.
But as funerals are open unless specifically labeled private, it seems harmless. The bereaved may be puzzled, but will realize that it is possible that the deceased had more friends than they knew.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am part of a group of parents of four graduating fifth graders who are organizing a graduation party. We have invited grandparents and family members and some friends to attend. We are jointly paying for catering and other miscellaneous expenses.
Is it expected that each parent from this group gives a gift to all four fifth graders?
GENTLE READER: Up to all of you. But surely you have enough to do in organizing the party without having to quiz your children about what each of the others would like but doesn't already have, do the shopping and wrapping because the child isn't doing it, deal with the unlabeled packages that the guests may bring, and keep track of which parents gave what to each child to make sure they are properly thanked.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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