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DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a restaurant, is there a way to ask to be served by a waiter or waitress other than the one assigned to our table?

My wife and I have patronized a local establishment for several years, but have sometimes been served by a waitress who, on her best days, is unfriendly, indifferent, unwelcoming and forgetful about our orders.

On one occasion, she treated two people in our party -- a 72-year-old woman and her adult son, who has special needs -- with absolute disdain. I wanted to complain to management, but the lady asked me not to. She chose to leave before the rest of our small party had finished our meals -- and she had organized the outing!

At a subsequent luncheon, I grimaced when I saw that this waitress would be our server and, as I feared, once again found myself apologizing to the rest of my party for my restaurant choice.

This restaurant is a small family-owned business, over 100 years old and now in its third generation. Its servers are generally older women who, frankly, all seem to be looking forward to the end of their shifts. But at least they are adequate, unlike this server. They all have been there for years, so I suspect there is a fair amount of mutual loyalty between the owners and the waitstaff.

I would like to continue to support this restaurant, and I don't want to have this waitress fired or disciplined. I just don't want her as my server.

Is there a way to replace her, even after we have been seated, without upsetting her and having to worry through dinner that she might "accidentally" spill a plate of pasta on my head?

GENTLE READER: At the risk of seeming impertinent, do you also wonder about having the chicken after you've ordered the pasta?

Miss Manners only asks because your precondition -- that no corrective action be taken until you've already been seated and assigned the surly waitress -- is both insurmountable (assuming pasta as a wardrobe accessory is also non-negotiable) but also inexplicable.

Call the restaurant during non-dining hours and ask to speak with the owner. Explain the problem, and ask if he or she can think of any way to avoid your party ever again being assigned this waitress without either embarrassing her or requiring you to pick a different eating establishment.

The thought of retaining a longtime customer without having to discipline a possibly difficult long-term employee may prove motivating. It may be as simple as agreeing that, if servers have assigned areas (or will have, going forward), you have just noticed that your favorite table is outside of hers.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a daughter-in-law who at times goes overboard on her makeup application. It borders on theatrical at times.

Is there a subtle way to say something? I would not hesitate if it was my daughter.

GENTLE READER: For which your daughter would no doubt be grateful. Maybe.

Miss Manners advises more reticence with the daughter-in-law. There is no unsolicited criticism subtle enough that it will not be open to justified resentment. And are you certain that your son does not love that look?

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN