The Mansion Is Too Darn Cold
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a brunch as the only guest. The hosts live in a 6,000-square-foot mansion, of which all of the rooms could be photographed for a slick architectural magazine.
Brunch was delicious, but the rub of the situation was that the house was 54 degrees in temperature, and it was 15 degrees outside. I am on blood thinners and I am very cognizant of cold.
When I inquired if they were having heating issues, the reply was that the house is too expensive to warm up to 68 degrees, and that they do not like large gas bills.
I left about two and a half hours later, just after the repast, with near frostbite on my fingers and toes.
Would I have been remiss in telling the hosts I could not stay because the house was too cold, and I was very uncomfortable physically? I would like to have said this before we had our meal. However, I bit my lip and suffered through the whole unpleasant situation.
GENTLE READER: Making your guests uncomfortable is, without a doubt, bad hosting. But calling your hosts rude, setting fire to the carpet and/or leaving early are bad guesting.
So how do we get you out of there without numbing your extremities?
You could confess your entire medical history to your hosts and hope that appearing pitiful convinces them to do the right thing. But this seems to Miss Manners both demeaning and not guaranteed of success. Better to claim not to feel well in the moment and apologize that you had to leave before the meal was served -- even if doing so requires a slight numbing of your moral sensibilities.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Although I am content with my life, a friend continually says she is worried about me. When I reply that I am fine and there is no need to worry, she replies that she still is.
If I ask her why she is worried, it is invariably a reason that I am not doing enough or am not active enough. How can I get her to stop?
GENTLE READER: Stop asking.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am fortunate to lead a comfortable life financially. I am often in a position to help my elderly neighbors by doing tasks such as grocery shopping, shoveling snow, giving rides and the like.
Sometimes someone wants to pay me, but I try to tell them that no payment is necessary because I am doing it as a gift to them. I often know they could use the money more than I could (but I don't express that, of course). I know they wish to show their appreciation, or maybe they feel some sort of obligation, but I feel guilty taking their money.
Am I being mannerly when I try to refuse payment, or would it be more proper that they accept my refusal? How long should the "Take it"/"No, it's not necessary" go back and forth?
GENTLE READER: Try to avoid all that back-and-forth and think of a gracious and neighborly thing you can say instead. Miss Manners suggests, especially after grocery shopping: "I'll tell you what: Next time I run out of sugar, I'm coming to you. Since now I know you have it."
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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