Like it or not, dating apps are the most ubiquitous way to meet new people these days. In my 15 years of being a dating coach, I’ve seen thousands of happy relationships start this way. But I’ve also heard all the shortcomings: “It takes up too much time.” “I’m not getting the matches I’m looking for.” “There’s no one good.” You get it.

I hate to be the person to tell you this, but the problem might not be the dating app… it might be you.

Here are a few of the reasons online dating “isn’t working” for you, and how to turn that around and start on a path to success.

Having no profile (or a bad profile)

There is really no point in having a dating profile at all if there’s little to no information about yourself in it. Online dating requires effort. In other words, how can you expect that the person of your dreams is going to message you when they know nothing about you and have to rely on the photos alone? You’ll get little activity with this tactic. As I always say, lazy profile equals lazy dater. Don’t let that be you.

Having a generic profile

Having read a lot of profiles (and that’s an understatement), I can tell you that just about everyone enjoys traveling and the outdoors. And, of course, they’re all honest, kind and love to laugh. Unfortunately, that tells the person who is reading your profile very little, if anything, about you. What makes you unique? Maybe it’s that you sewed your own living room curtains or that you won your town’s Halloween costume contest. (Of course, there’s nothing wrong with traveling and the outdoors, but get a bit more specific: How do you like to spend that time outdoors? What is the favorite place you’ve traveled?)

Listing all the things you’re NOT looking for

A lot of people think listing all the traits that they’re not looking for in a partner is saving everyone time. However, it’s actually making you look extremely negative, which is an immediate turnoff. Instead, frame things in a positive light.

Posting all selfies or mirror pics

Sometimes our friends and family aren’t the best photographers. I know. However, a profile full of selfies or mirror selfies is a deterrent for a number of reasons, even if they’re not all true. Selfies can look unnatural, vain or like you don’t get out a lot. I recommend your main photo to be one that clearly shows your face (no sunglasses), at least one full body shot, and a few that show off your personality or things you like to do. After all, someone is much more likely to say, “That’s such a cool photo… where did you take it?” rather than “Nice toilet in the background!” Toilets are not sexy.

Having too many group photos

More than zero is too many. Online daters have a short attention span, and playing a game of “Where’s Waldo?” can get old very quickly. Many believe group photos show that you’re a social person, but it also creates an unintended comparison to your friends or family members. Keep the focus on you.

Not asking the other person questions

There’s nothing worse than getting a message that simply says “hi.” It puts all the pressure on the other person to keep the conversation flowing. Instead, I always recommend starting with a question. Mention something from the other person’s profile that shows you actually took a few moments to take a look at it. By asking questions, the person on the other side of the conversation is much more likely to answer… hopefully with a question for you.

Playing pen pals

If a discussion with a match seems to be going well, it’s time to take it to the next level by setting up a date. You can bring it up casually by saying, “I’m enjoying our conversation so far… maybe we continue over coffee sometime? I’m pretty free next week.” Another option is when they ask a question to reply, “It’s actually a good story but better in person. Maybe I can tell you over drinks?” It’s a little scary to make that move, but it’s better than becoming pen pals for weeks without a clear intention.

Getting sexual

Don’t do it. Whether it’s a “joke” in your profile or trying to sound “flirty” while messaging someone, getting sexual is usually a complete turnoff. It makes you seem like you’re only interested in a hookup, not a meaningful relationship.

Being careless with your writing

Have a friend take a look at your profile for a quick edit.

Not putting in the effort

If you made a blank profile that you rarely check, update or maintain, then no, online dating is not going to work for you. Write a thoughtful bio, pick some of your favorite photos, and dedicate time (even if it’s 10 minutes per day) to checking your apps for activity. If you get a message and don’t reply for three weeks, that person has probably moved on… and you might have missed an opportunity.

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