Ghosting — the abrupt disappearance of someone you were seeing or taking to — is jarring. It often comes out of nowhere, and it forces you to first wonder what happened to the other person before it sinks in that they did this intentionally. In short, ghosting is cowardly, avoiding a short, difficult conversation to spare yourself being uncomfortable but thereby putting the other person in a place of potentially questioning themselves and their own role in this behavior.

If someone ghosts you after just a date or two, this gives you insight into their behavior, insight you do not like.

There’s a metaphor I like: “A wise man once said, ‘Imagine being bitten by a snake, and instead of focusing on healing from the poison, you chase the snake to understand why it bit you and prove that you didn’t deserve it.’”

In the very early stages of dating, or if someone doesn’t get back to you while still on the dating apps, I agree with the snake metaphor. Tend to your wounds. Does it hurt? You bet it does. But in this case, you learned what you needed to learn about this person’s character so you can move on. We don’t need to teach these people how to behave.

It sometimes helps to picture this person looking at your last text, processing it and then actively choosing not to respond to you, knowing that those actions will, in turn, hurt you. This is not the kind of person you want to be with.

If someone has ghosted you after two or three dates, then you could either let it go — a perfectly valid choice — or say a simple: “I didn’t hear back from you, so I just wanted to check back in either way.”

Now, let’s say you’ve been on a greater number of dates (what that number is… up to you), then I do give the advice of reaching out to get your own closure. Many disagree with the advice, still siding with the snake route, and that’s OK. If you’re 100% certain that you are being ghosted, after you’ve checked in, as appropriate, and know the person is healthy and well, then this is the script I recommend sending. (Obviously replace the length of time with the correct number for your situation.)

“I’m not sure what happened, but I’m disappointed I never heard back from you after what I considered six really wonderful weeks. I do wish you had kindly let me know you were no longer interested. Regardless, this will be my last communication.”

Or a slightly different, “Hi [person’s name who ghosted], I had really enjoyed our time together and was hoping to continue getting to know each other, so I’m disappointed I didn’t hear back from you. Just wanted to close the loop. Wish you the best.” (The last line is optional, of course.)

You are not sending this message to get a response. I want to be very clear about that. You are sending it to essentially say:

- I noticed what you did.

- It affected me.

- Goodbye

- Added bonus: I hope you feel guilty.

The other important reason to send this message is that it deadlocks the door (that was closed for you). Meaning, “Don’t think you’re going to weasel your way back into my life. I’m better than that.” But, of course, you have to stick to this.

It’s OK to express that you care. In fact, it’s encouraged. I know popular opinion is not to show that something bothered you. But it did, and that’s normal. Then, please delete the entire text chain so you’re not looking at it or waiting for a response. Pinky promise.

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