Dear Anna,

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years now. We recently argued over a work gala I’m attending this Saturday. I want him there for the whole evening, but he doesn’t see why he should give up a whole night for people he barely knows. He offered to come for the last hour or two, but not the full event.

This is fine as a compromise, but the issue is that this happens before nearly every event I invite him to. There’s negotiating about whether he’ll come, how long we’ll stay, and when we’ll leave. I suspect he has some anticipatory anxiety, because once we’re there he usually relaxes and sometimes even enjoys himself. Getting him there is the exhausting part, and I’ve started dreading the fight more than I look forward to the event.

I feel like I’m always asking for ordinary things like dates, trips, photos together and holidays, and it’s a constant struggle to get him to do even basic things and I’m tired of feeling needy. I’ve also hidden our relationship in some settings for his comfort. I told him we may want different things, and he says I’m giving him an ultimatum over a minor disagreement.

I don’t want to force him to do things he hates, but I don’t want to keep shrinking my needs either. How do you tell the difference between accommodating a partner’s discomfort and recognizing a true incompatibility? — Not Every Event Demands Support

Dear NEEDS,

I think you’re asking the right questions, but I don’t think the answer is hidden in a work event. The gala is just the latest example of something much bigger: You want to be in a relationship that feels like a relationship to you — with dates, trips, holidays, a robust Insta feed, showing up for each other’s lives — and you’re exhausted from having to negotiate for those things.

Wanting your boyfriend to attend a work gala with you doesn’t make you needy. Neither does wanting to go on dates or take vacations together or have pictures of the two of you. People have different preferences around all of these things, of course, but be careful about calling yourself “needy” simply because your needs aren’t being met. Needy isn’t a synonym for “has needs.”

Here’s how I’d separate accommodation from incompatibility: accommodation involves movement from both people. Incompatibility is when one person keeps having to shrink or bend or work around while the other person stays exactly where they are.

Your boyfriend may genuinely have anxiety about social events. The fact that he usually relaxes once you’re there certainly suggests that something is happening for him before the event. But an explanation isn’t a solution, and it sure doesn’t stop the fighting, so my real question around this is: If social events are difficult for him, what is he doing to manage that difficulty?

TLDR: His discomfort may be genuine. But genuine discomfort doesn’t automatically mean you have to organize your relationship around avoiding it.

And I’d pay close attention to the other things you mentioned. Dates. Trips. Photos. Holidays. Those aren’t necessarily “basic” relationship requirements for everyone, but taken together, they tell me something important about what partnership means to you.

Maybe what you actually want isn’t a boyfriend who attends every party. Maybe you want someone who actively participates in building a life with you. And from this angle, it doesn’t seem like you’re getting it. Have you not been these last three years or is this a recent phenomenon?

I’d also want to know how often your boyfriend initiates these things himself. Does he ever say, “Let’s go on a date Friday”? Does he plan a trip? Suggest taking a picture together? Say, “I know this event matters to you, so I’ll be there?” Does he ever stretch himself because something matters to you, without you having to ask first?

A relationship can’t indefinitely run on one person identifying the need, making the request, anticipating the resistance, negotiating the compromise, and then feeling grateful when the other person agrees to participate somewhat. I’m exhausted just writing that.

And then there’s the sentence I’d circle twice in your letter, if we were sitting across from each other: “I’ve also hidden our relationship in some settings for his comfort.”

Why, my friend? Why?

That’s not a minor detail. If you’re changing how openly you exist as a couple because he doesn’t want other people to know AFTER THREE YEARS, I’d want to understand exactly what’s going on. Is it a privacy issue? Does he have kids he co-parents with someone else? Worried about work or family? Uncomfortable being perceived as someone’s partner? Or is he uncomfortable with the visibility of your relationship specifically? Is that why he doesn’t want to go to events — because he doesn’t want to be seen in public with you? What’s happening here?

But regardless of the reason, notice what seems to be happening: His discomfort keeps becoming the thing you accommodate, while your discomfort gets set aside. No wonder you’re fed up.

I’d have this conversation when there isn’t an event looming. Don’t make it about Saturday’s gala. Tell him the gala has made you realize that you’ve been having the same argument in different forms for years.

You might say: “I don’t want to keep negotiating about individual events. The gala isn’t really the issue. I’m realizing that I want a relationship where we regularly go on dates, take trips, celebrate things together, take pictures and show up for each other’s important events. I also don’t want to keep hiding our relationship to make you comfortable. I’m not asking you to love every one of those things, but I need to know whether you actually want to build that kind of relationship with me. If you don’t, I need to take that seriously rather than keep trying to convince you.”

To his credit, he has offered a compromise about the gala. That’s worth acknowledging. The question is whether that spirit of compromise exists elsewhere. Does he show curiosity about what you need? Does he propose solutions? Does he make an effort without being repeatedly prompted? If dates and trips and public acknowledgment aren’t his thing, is he willing to find other ways of creating closeness that are his thing?

It’s not about winning or losing. He’s allowed to dislike work galas. You’re allowed to want a boyfriend who comes to them. He’s allowed to not be a fan of vacations or photos or holidays. You’re allowed to want those things. Compatibility isn’t about determining whose preference is more reasonable. It’s about whether the two of you can build a life that both of you actually want to live.

And if he understands what you need, has the capacity to meet you halfway, and simply doesn’t want to, then you may be looking at a genuine incompatibility.

That doesn’t mean he’s a bad boyfriend. It doesn’t mean you’re too demanding. It means the relationship may not be giving either of you the life you want.

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