Dear Anna,

I’m 29, and my fiancee is 28. We’ve been together for five years and are supposed to get married next spring. Since I proposed about a year ago, her mental health has gotten progressively worse, and she’s not seeking any kind of treatment for it. She eventually quit her job and now spends most of her days at home. I work full time and recently took a second job to cover our expenses and wedding costs. I also do most of the cooking, grocery shopping and household chores. Despite this, she often tells me I don’t spend enough time with her, buy her enough things or show her that I love her. I know she’s struggling, and I want to support her, but I’m exhausted and starting to feel resentful. I haven’t told anyone how bad things have gotten because I don’t want people to judge her or our relationship. I love her and don’t want to leave, but I’m worried I’m sacrificing my own mental health to keep us afloat. How can I help her without losing myself in the process? — Guy Running Out Of Momentum

Dear GROOM,

First, I want you to recognize how much you’re carrying. You’re working two jobs, keeping your household running, planning a wedding (!) and trying to be emotionally available to someone you love who is struggling. That’s a lot for one person. The fact that your fiancee is having a hard time doesn’t mean your exhaustion matters less, or that you should be able to shoulder all of this indefinitely.

Let’s get the hard thing out of the way first: You need to postpone this wedding. I suspect some part of you is hoping the date on the calendar will somehow fix things. I know postponing means potentially losing deposits, disappointing people and having conversations you desperately don’t want to have. And just generally sucks. But losing money on a wedding is far less costly than rushing into a marriage when your relationship is already under this much strain.

Marriage won’t magically improve this situation. In fact, the stress of wedding planning, on top of your financial pressure and exhaustion, is likely adding to the load. You deserve time to see whether the two of you can build a healthier, more reciprocal relationship before making a lifelong commitment.

You don’t specify what mental health issues your fiancee is experiencing, so I’ll speak in broad strokes. Mental health struggles can affect someone’s energy, motivation and ability to feel loved, even when their partner is doing their best. Sometimes, reassurances that would ordinarily land just doesn’t seem to stick, leaving a person repeatedly asking for proof that they’re loved. Your fiancee may genuinely feel neglected, but that doesn’t automatically mean you’re neglecting her. You can empathize with her experience without accepting responsibility for fixing it.

What concerns me most is that she doesn’t appear to be getting professional help. Right now, you’re trying to hold everything together without addressing what’s driving the situation in the first place. Getting her connected with a doctor or therapist needs to be a priority, ahead of everything else. You can love her, support her and work 12 jobs, but you’ll never be able to work hard enough to make someone else well. Because that’s not how it works.

And you need support, too. I know you’re swamped, but I’m concerned that you’re keeping all of this to yourself. I understand wanting to protect your fiancee from judgment, but carrying this alone will only make an already difficult situation harder. Talk to someone you trust, whether that’s a friend, family member or therapist of your own. You need somewhere to be honest about how you’re doing without feeling that you have to defend or take care of anyone else.

You also need to have a much more direct conversation with your fiancee. Not another discussion about whether you’re spending enough time together, but an honest assessment of what’s happening to both of you. Tell her you love her and want to marry her, but that the current arrangement is unsustainable and you need to pause wedding planning while you figure out how to move forward. Explain what working two jobs is doing to your well-being, and ask what she’s willing to do to support her own recovery and your relationship. Would she consider couples counseling? Is returning to work part time a realistic possibility as she gets better? What changes can you make together so that you aren’t solely responsible for keeping your lives afloat?

She may resist. Fear, shame and exhaustion can make a first appointment feel impossible. Offer to help research providers, make calls or sit in the waiting room if she wants you there. But remember: You can offer her the door; you cannot make her walk through it, and you cannot do her recovery for her.

Give yourself a checkpoint rather than an indefinite promise to keep trying. What would you need to see over the next three to six months to feel that things are moving in the right direction? Perhaps she attends an initial appointment, you begin couples counseling or the two of you find a more sustainable way to divide responsibilities. Be specific with yourself, and share those hopes with her. This isn’t about punishing her for struggling. It’s about making sure that the situation is changing rather than simply asking you to endure it.

You say you don’t want to leave her. I hear that. But staying and continuing exactly as you are isn’t the only alternative to leaving. You can love someone deeply and still acknowledge that the way you’re living together needs to change.

You don’t need to stop loving her to start taking your own well-being seriously. Your job isn’t to save your fiancee at the expense of yourself. It’s to find out whether the two of you can work together to build a life that’s sustainable for both of you. Because right now, it isn’t.

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