Dear Anna,

I recently introduced my friend, let’s call her M, to a guy I’d befriended through my climbing gym about a year ago. I’d had a feeling she’d like-like him, but the rub is that he’s in a long-distance relationship. I also knew the guy friend had been struggling with his LDR, but it’s been a minute since he’s said anything, and I wasn’t totally sure where all that stood.

Well, M invited him to coffee. He mentioned his girlfriend right away, and they still ended up spending the whole afternoon together. M came away glowing, and she’s said a few things that didn’t sit right with me. She says she doesn’t want to be a homewrecker, but she’s convinced his LDR is heading toward a breakup. She also said she hopes he thinks about her when he flies home to his girlfriend for the holidays in a few weeks. I don’t love this. It feels morally gray, and he’s warm with everyone, so I’m not sure he’s actually interested. M wants to see him again now. How do I bring this up, if at all? I can’t pretend everything’s fine, but I don’t want to lose either friendship. — Making Each Decision Derives Little Excitement

Dear MEDDLE,

First, let’s clear up a little guilt I hear in your letter. You’re not responsible for M’s behavior or your guy friend’s. You introduced two people; you didn’t arrange an affair. You can wish you’d thought twice about making the introduction, given that you knew he was (likely) in a relationship, but you’re not obligated to manage what happens next.

That said, I understand why you’re uncomfortable. M isn’t doing anything wrong by having a crush. Attraction happens, including when the object of your affection is unavailable. But there’s a difference between enjoying someone’s company and actively cultivating a romantic fantasy about someone else’s breakup.

And that’s what gives me pause about M’s comments. She’s not exactly saying, “I’m going to break up his relationship.” She’s saying, “I think his relationship is ending, and I hope I’m the soft cushion upon which he lands.” Which, yes, is a little skeevy, but it’s also a convenient story that lets her off the hook. Hope is very good at reading evidence generously.

A long-distance relationship isn’t automatically a doomed relationship, and a person who’s having doubts about their partnership isn’t necessarily going to be your next boyfriend. Your friend told M he has a girlfriend. What she does with that info is not on you.

I also wouldn’t let him off the hook entirely. He’s the one in a relationship, and he’s responsible for being clear about his intentions and boundaries. Spending an afternoon with a new person isn’t inherently inappropriate, but his warmth shouldn’t be mistaken for romantic interest, either. You say he’s friendly with everyone, so I’d encourage M not to build a whole future around a few hours of good conversation.

As for what you should do, the answer is an infuriating “not much.” You only have to say what’s true for you. “This feels off to me” is a perfectly legitimate sentence between friends.

Try something like: “I’m glad you had such a good time, and I love seeing you excited. But I’m uncomfortable hearing that you’re hoping his relationship ends. I know I’m the one who introduced you, and I want to be honest rather than quietly weird about it. I’m not telling you what to do, but I can’t cheer for that part.”

Say it privately, without an audience or an agenda. She might get hurt or defensive. That’s OK. Give her room to disagree without abandoning your own point of view.

And if she ignores your advice and keeps pursuing him, that’s her call. Your job isn’t to police either of them, and you’re not obligated to report back to him or referee their interactions. You can, however, decide how much of this you want to hear about. “I’d rather not get play-by-plays of this particular situation” is a perfectly reasonable boundary.

I’d also gently wonder whether M is lonely or especially eager to be chosen right now. Someone who starts imagining herself as the next chapter in a stranger’s love story may be longing for connection more than she’s responding to the actual person in front of her. That doesn’t excuse the wishful thinking, but it might help you approach her with compassion rather than just judgment.

The friendship that survives this is the one where you can say, kindly, “I love you, and I don’t love this.”

Those friends are the keepers.

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