Dear Anna,

This feels like a ridiculous question, but here goes. I’m a 22-year-old trans woman, early in my transition, who’s only out to a small circle of close friends. Most of my friends are women, and they’ve been incredibly supportive as I’ve started figuring myself out.

Recently, two different friends — separately, not together — have told me that if I ever wanted to make out with them, they’d be happy to volunteer. Both identify as queer, both know I don’t have much dating experience, and both framed it as a supportive, no-pressure thing.

On the one hand, this strikes me as sweet. On the other hand, I’ve never heard of friends casually offering to be someone’s makeout buddy just for the heck of it? Part of me wonders whether this is just the kind of thing close queer women do for each other, and part of me wonders whether I’m being oblivious and these offers aren’t actually as platonic as they’re being presented. Is this normal friend behavior, or should I assume there’s something else going on here? — Surprising Makeout Offer Or Curious Heresy

Dear SMOOCH,

If you’ve been with me for a while, you’ll know I don’t love the word “normal.” Not because the question isn’t understandable — it absolutely is. We’re social animals, and checking whether our experience falls within the herd’s range is just what we do. It’s less a statistical inquiry than a way of asking: Is this OK? Am I OK?

But as a category, “normal” doesn't hold up well under scrutiny. Almost everything is outside the norm for someone, and inside the norm for someone else. So I find it more useful to ask: Does this make sense, and what do you actually want to do about it?

That said, the first thing to know is that this is unusual enough that you’re not wrong for being confused, but not so unusual that it automatically warrants hand-wringing and lots of what-does-it-mean processing.

One thing you’ll discover as you spend more time in queer communities is that the boundaries between friendship, affection, mentorship, experimentation and attraction can sometimes be a lot less rigid than the scripts many of us grow up with in Straightlandia.

Not always. And not for everyone. But, well, there are plenty of queer people who have kissed friends, dated friends, slept with friends, gone to events as each other’s stand-in dates, or helped one another navigate experiences that felt intimidating. And none of these things necessarily meant they wanted anything more or romantic to come from it. (Though some certainly did!)

TL;DR: The fact that two queer women offered to make out with you “platonically” does not, in itself, seem weird or suspicious to me. (Hell, plenty of straight women make out with their friends, too.)

At the same time, let’s not swing too far in the other direction and pretend kissing is the same thing as, like, lending someone a sweater.

Making out is still making out. It’s something most people reserve for a relatively small number of people in a relatively specific context.

Most people don’t offer to do it with just anyone. And even when the offer is genuinely supportive, it usually reflects some combination of trust, comfort, affection, attraction, curiosity, generosity or emotional closeness.

Human motives are messy. Someone can sincerely want to help you have a positive experience and think you’re cute. Those possibilities are not mutually exclusive.

The question I’d focus on is not, “What do they secretly mean?” It’s: “What do I want?”

Because I wonder if you’re treating this primarily as a puzzle to solve when it’s also a choice you get to make.

So do you actually want to make out with either of these women? Are you curious? Excited? Nervous in a good way? Do you have a crush on one or both of them? Would the experience feel affirming, fun and/or meaningful to you? Would it be an amusing or sexy or enjoyable way to spend some time? Would it mostly feel like checking a box, getting something over with or collecting evidence about whether they like you?

No wrong answers here. It’s simply worth getting honest with yourself about different motivations, and which one is driving the Subaru. (There may be more than one.)

And here’s another layer here that’s worth naming. You’re early in your transition, not widely out and likely navigating a lot of firsts at once. Being wanted — being seen and desired as who you actually are — can feel urgent in a way that goes beyond these two specific friends. That’s not a warning sign. It’s one of the most human things there is. But it’s worth knowing whether some of the pull you’re feeling is about them, or about finally feeling like yourself, or some mix of both. (Again, no wrong answers!)

If you’re interested in one of these friends and wondering whether there could be something romantic there, you can pay attention to that possibility. If you’re not interested and just appreciate the kindness or attention, that’s fine too. You don’t owe anyone a kiss because they offered one.

And if part of you is drawn to the idea of this as a way to feel more at home in your body or more confident in your identity — that’s a perfectly valid motivation. Wanting physical experience to feel more like yourself is legitimate and understandable, especially when you’re still finding your footing. The only reason to pause is to make sure you’re not treating a friend’s genuine offer as a means to an end without them knowing that’s the frame.

If that’s where you are, have a slightly more explicit conversation first. Ask what prompted the offer. Ask whether they see it as purely friendly, potentially romantic or somewhere in between. Tell them what it would mean to you. Clarity is your friend here. (Feel free to show them this column!)

It’s also worth giving yourself permission to answer “I don’t know yet.” If the idea of makeout buddies brings up anxiety alongside the curiosity — about your body, about what you want, about how you’ll feel afterward — that’s worth listening to. These offers aren’t going anywhere, and there’s no deadline on figuring this out.

My guess? The most likely explanation is exactly the one you’ve already been given: Two queer women care about you, know you’re navigating a lot of firsts and wanted to make the journey feel a little more comfy for you.

But I also wouldn’t spend too much energy trying to classify the offer as either “100% platonic” or “definitely romantic.” Human beings are rarely that tidy. Sometimes a kiss is an expression of attraction. Sometimes it’s an act of care. Sometimes it’s boredom or loneliness or horniness without a specific destination. Sometimes it’s Pride. (Happy Pride Month!)

The important thing is that you don’t need to solve their feelings before deciding what to do with your own.

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