In any relationship, budding or established, there are two competing philosophies: Take people as they come vs. ask for what you want/need, especially when it comes to certain behaviors. I want to share that these two things can co-exist, and neither has to necessarily take precedence over the other.

Yes, we have to take people as they come, just as we want people to do for us. You can’t be with someone contingent on them changing. At their core, people often cannot change, nor should we hope for them to. For example, if you want your partner to suddenly become ambitious, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that is highly unlikely. Ambition needs to come from within, from someone’s own desires, not from someone else’s push.

On the other hand, behaviors on the margins may be able to change. For example, if you prefer phone calls and the person you’re seeing likes to text, you can certainly ask for more calls to see if 1) they want to change and 2) they’re capable of it. (These are two distinct things.) Then, based on these two things, you can decide what to do moving forward.

This week, I received two similar questions, and I wanted to share my answers, because in each case, I believe the thing someone wants to change is more a core value or an active lifestyle choice than a small behavioral adjustment.

Question: I asked him out first, and he canceled the date. How do I get him to put in effort and reschedule?

Answer: We can't "get" people to do anything.

People have to want to do things on their own. If he canceled and didn't offer to reschedule, I would move on to someone excited to see you. And there will be plenty of people in that category!

If that's not sufficient, you can always say, "Did you want to reschedule our date? I'll let you take the lead on that!"

But I believe you already have your answer.

Question: I am with a guy who drinks a lot. He doesn't want to slow down. How do I get him to stop?

Answer: As l answered earlier, you can't "get" anyone to do anything. It has to be something he wants to do on his own, and it sounds like he doesn't, by his own admission or by continuing the same behavior.

As a note, "a lot" is also relative and means different things to different people.

Here's what I care about:

Does his drinking impact you? In other words, what is the reason you would like for him to drink less? Is it because it impacts your relationship? His judgment? His behaviors? Genuine concern for his health and well-being?

Ask yourself this: If nothing changed, could you be happy? If the answer is no, it sounds like perhaps it's not the right relationship for you. Because to constantly hope that someone will change—someone who doesn’t want to, at that—you’ll grow more and more disappointed, and he’ll grow more and more resentful.

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