All too often, I get questions like these from clients:

--“What did they mean when they said that?”

--“How can I ask, ‘What are we?’”

--“Why didn’t they text me this morning like usual?”

--“Why don’t we have plans lined up for the weekend already?”

From my 15 years as a dating coach, I can give an educated guess as to each of these questions based on the clients’ situation and what I know about dating … and human behavior in general.

But, when it comes down to it, the only real way to know the answer to your question is to ask.

I know this may seem like common sense, but if you saw the 100+ direct messages I get daily on Instagram, you’d know that sometimes common sense leaves the building when you’re interested or invested in someone.

It’s not that people don’t know that they should ask — it’s that they often don’t want to. Why? It’s often easier to maintain the status quo without clarity than to rock the boat. In other words, they go by the philosophy that no news is good news. But no news also often leads to anxiety and the prolonging of a precarious situation.

Let’s take “How can I ask, ‘What are we?’” It’s obvious that the only way to get an answer to this is to talk about it with the person you’re dating. (I’d add here that I don’t actually recommend asking someone "what we are?" Rather, state what you want, exclusivity or otherwise, and then ask how the other person feels about it.)

I understand that he often-compelling reason not to broach the subject is that you already know the answer … and it’s not the one you want to hear. The fear is that if you ask, the other person will say “no,” and then this thing you’re in (whatever you were calling it), will end. It’s easier for many to live in the gray area, not asking what is on their mind in order to prolong a situation just a little bit longer.

Now let’s look at “Why didn’t they text me this morning like usual?” Who knows? Maybe they had a dentist appointment. Or their phone died. Or they slept through their alarm. Or they forgot. Or they want to break up with you.

Simply to avoid the possibility of the answer being that last scenario, many will just not ask.

But it’s OK to ask. In fact, I encourage it! “Hey! I was surprised I didn’t hear from you this morning. All OK?” Pretty simple. If, on the off-chance, the other person is angry with you and didn’t have the guts to say it, then forcing the issue is a good thing. Nothing productive comes out of letting issues and questions simmer. They always come out later.

So, in a relationship — dating or otherwise — if you don’t know something, ask. Might the answer not be to your liking? Of course. And might that hurt? Yes. But it’s better to know now, isn’t it? Ignorance isn’t always bliss. So, ask and you shall receive.

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