ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My daughter got a divorce six years ago when my granddaughter was 11 and her brother was 8. My granddaughter was very upset about the divorce.

Both grandchildren play sports. My daughter and I never sit with her ex at the games. After my granddaughter’s games she would go right to my daughter’s ex and completely ignore me.

When my daughter’s ex isn’t around my granddaughter is always very loving to me. If my granddaughter goes to her brother’s games, she always sits with her dad and never acknowledges me. Her actions really hurt me.

My granddaughter went away to college this fall and when she came home for a weekend, she went to her brother’s games and again sat with her dad and never acknowledged me at all. I had not seen her in a couple of months.

I am so hurt because I have given her so much with birthdays, Christmas, et cetera. I picked her up from school because she didn’t want to take the bus; I took her to practices. I always made sure I was there for both kids.

Her brother will be playing sports for the next three years. I have been crying every day over this because I love her so much. I feel as though I have lost her. I need advice on how to handle it when she ignores me the next time.

– Hurt Grandma

Dear Grandma: Somehow these games have become the field where the unresolved tensions from your daughter’s divorce continue to play out. This isn’t your fault; it isn’t your granddaughter’s fault. But your relationship may get easier if you choose to step off the field.

Whatever negative feelings that persist between your daughter and her ex are clearly impacting your granddaughter. It seems there are also negative feelings between you and the ex and it’s possible those are also impacting your granddaughter. Children often feel powerless in their parents’ divorces and so they sometimes try to take back that power wherever they can. That may be what happens at these games. It’s also possible that your granddaughter resents feeling like she has to navigate tensions between adults.

Reach out to your granddaughter and acknowledge that the games have been a site of conflict for you and then tell her you want to release that conflict. Tell her that it’s more important to you that you both have a good relationship. Then talk about what’s possible. Maybe you can start simple with phone calls while she’s away at college and build from there.

It won’t happen all at once, but by focusing on what you can grow rather than a place that feels like a wound, you open up new options for your relationship.

Dear Eric: I think you missed the mark in your response to “Team Player”, from the senior who was getting tired of friends asking for rides and handyman help. I agree with part of your response: set boundaries. But weigh the facts.

With respect to the person who asks the favor, what other options do they have? Often for medical appointments, it is not as easy as ordering groceries. Do they have a son or daughter, a sibling, other options? Is it about “not wanting to bother the son/daughter” or is the reason why someone else cannot do it? Are they capable of taking Waymo? Is there a senior medical transport option?

I personally have had to deal with this (no children, no siblings, no living spouse). I've had multiple out-patient surgeries. Some easy, some where I have had to go spend the night at a friend's house. Often one person "drops me off on their way to work." The next person takes the phone call and does the pickup at the scheduled discharge time.

I return the favor whenever I can to any friend who needs it. "Team Player" needs to recognize that he/she will need the same favors as they age. Pass these favors forward when possible – even if the person may have an alternative. At the same time, one doesn't need to be someone's go-to for free service when there are other options. At the current price of gas, the person should offer to pay something.

– Team Sport

Dear Team: I’m not sure where the missed mark is; we agree and I wrote as much. But I wanted to publish your letter because I like the way you’re thinking about every angle. Empathy doesn’t require someone always saying yes to a request. If one can’t do it, one can’t do it. But empathy opens up far more possibilities. Sometimes you need a friend who can drive you; sometimes you need a friend who can help you think of other ways to get from point A to point B.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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