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Dear Eric: I’ve been in a great relationship for 10 years. We dated prior to marrying other partners and then reunited after those marriages ended. We’re both in our 60s.

While we don’t live together, he did assist financially, often without asking. I rent a home owned by my extended family; he would stay over twice a week.

He moved a ’62 Chevy into my driveway. I also acquired a '74 Vega wagon. Neither vehicle was operable. However, my uncle asked on two occasions when my partner would be moving the vehicle.

My partner had plans to move it to his friend's facility when space opened up. I'd observed a tow truck on several occasions make passes through the neighborhood. One day, my doorbell camera notified me while at work. I attempt to speak with whomever was in the driveway regarding the vehicles. They were only removing the ’62 Chevy and when I realized one of the guys was my uncle, I lost it.

I couldn't leave work and I couldn't contact my partner. Now he refuses to speak to me and blames me for what transpired. I am still in contact with my partner's sister and daughter, however, my partner picks and chooses when, if at all he chooses to respond. What do I do?

– Driving a Wedge Between Us

Dear Driving: Nothing that transpired is irreversible. No one was hurt and, it would appear, nothing was damaged, so blame isn’t really the issue here. That said, your partner’s car is and was his responsibility, so taking this out on you is unfair.

And the near-silent treatment is not a healthy form of conflict. He can feel his feelings and still communicate with you, even if it’s just to say, “I’m upset and I can’t talk about this right now.”

You owe each other a conversation about how this relationship works and what comes next. You can ask for that, and it may help to be frank in this request. “The sporadic communication is hurtful and it’s sending a message to me that you no longer want to be in a relationship. I value our relationship and, after 10 years, I’d really love the chance to talk with you about how we can move forward together.”

It may be more effective to do this by phone, in a letter, or, ideally, in person.

Dear Eric: I’m a college student. It’s my first year. And I’m really enjoying it. I’m anxious about going home for the holidays, though. My parents fight all the time, and I realize I went away to college to get some peace. It’s not violent but it’s constant, sometimes there’s screaming and throwing things. They came for parents weekend this past weekend and really upset me. Do I have to do it all over again at Christmas?

– No Home for the Holidays

Dear Home: No, you don’t. But try to be specific about how you’d like things to be different. Otherwise, you risk inviting more conflict.

Your parents may still resist this change – and that’s understandable – but remind them that one holiday isn’t forever. Setting a boundary is often meant to preserve the relationship, not destroy it.

So, think about what a healthy holiday looks like – both one that’s solo and one with your parents, and talk to them about how you all can get there. Throwing things is violent and screaming is emotionally disruptive, to say the least. You’re allowed to ask for a safe home.

Dear Eric: This is in reference to the letter from “Shellshocked in the Mountains”, about the two in-laws who got into an altercation on a family vacation.

Some ground rules should be established before next summer, even if the conversation is difficult. They should disallow threats, like what happened this year, and talk about what to do if children act up, which was what started the conflict. It won’t be perfect, but it will help the daughters, their partners, and the letter-writing parents to function together more harmoniously.

I faced this situation many years ago when we were late to a family luncheon, and my sister-in-law criticized us as her daughter had been bored and crying for her cousins. For the first and only time, I offered the advice of keeping a small travel bag of toys, coloring materials, et cetera, that could only be used outside of the house. My sister-in-law took her child and stormed out of the grandparent’s house. My children were never able to have a close relationship with this cousin, sadly.

– Peaceful Family

Dear Family: A resetting conversation before next year is crucial. And I like that you brought up discussing how the different couples speak to and discipline their children, and how they want others to speak to said children.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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