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Dear Eric: I am the older partner in a gay relationship. We have a mutual friend (John) who we have invited to our home four times for a swim and dinner. He has never invited us to his home to reciprocate for dinner, has never brought a bottle of wine or any gift of appreciation, has never sent us a thank you note or email, and never brings a towel for his use at the pool.

I feel that we are being used and do not know how to broach the subject to John about my feelings. My partner said that I should tell John how I feel, but I am not comfortable doing this since I think it would come across as a criticism and scolding.

I would welcome your thoughts about this.

– No Free Diving

Dear Diving: I think your partner is right on the money. It may help you to think of this hypothetical conversation with John less as criticism and more as communication about what you need in order to enjoy your time together. This kind of communication is crucial for friendships and other relationships. Ideally, it happens easily and naturally; we all want relationships in which we feel comfortable asking for what we need. But sometimes we have to make the effort.

John should know enough to bring his own towel, at the very least, if not a thank-you gift. There could be many reasons why he doesn’t seem to. A conversation might shed some light. You can say something as simple as “we enjoy having you over, but it would be helpful for you to bring your own towel and share the responsibility for entertaining next time.” You might even tell him what you want him to bring in terms of snacks or wine.

It’s very likely that John doesn’t realize that this is an issue. Maybe he is using you, but it’s also possible he’s just not putting enough thought into this and is taking you for granted unintentionally. By talking to him about what you’re experiencing and keeping the focus on what you’d like to do differently in the future, you offer him an insight he may be missing and give him the chance to be the friend you need him to be.

Dear Eric: For most of my 20s I lived with two roommates, let’s call them Kim and Kurt. When I was 28, I moved into an apartment with my now-fiancé. I’m now 34. Kim and Kurt and I have stayed in contact but to differing degrees. Kurt and I see each other about twice a month, sometimes more. He is also friendly with my fiancé and the three of us hang out together a fair amount, too.

Kim is a different story. I’ve reached out a little but things kind of petered out a few years ago. I’ve heard from Kurt that Kim is hurt that things between us have changed, which is confusing to me. She’s just never available and it’s not like she reaches out. So, now I’m kind of mad at her for being mad at me.

Kim lives so near me, like a few blocks away. Kurt lives out in the suburbs and always has to drive into the city where I live. But he has no issue and our friendship has grown. I just don’t know what to do about Kim. Can you help?

– Three’s Company

Dear Company: It seems like a lot of this mystery is being pieced together like a game of Telephone, which is often the way with friends. In and of itself, that’s not a problem, but it does create some issues when the narrative you have in your mind doesn’t match up with what she’s thinking.

A good first step is to try to start thinking about your relationship with Kim as separate from your relationship with Kurt, even though you have a shared history. It will also be helpful to try to separate the way you and Kim interacted in the past from the way you interact now. It’s easier to stay in contact when your friend is down the hall. Even the few blocks that separate you from Kim now can be major challenges.

You both have to think of this as partially a new friendship. Obviously, the groundwork for the friendship was laid in your 20s, but your circumstances are so different now it will be helpful to treat most of what follows as new territory. This way you and Kim can, hopefully, avoid comparing your friendship with her to your friendship with Kurt.

Also, think about what you actually want from Kim. It’s possible that this friendship has run its course. But if you are serious about reconnecting, try reaching out with a specific invitation and see if she’s open to a conversation and catch up.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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