Asking Eric: Aging mom seems disinterested in daughters
Dear Eric: I’m writing to ask if you have any insight as to what is going on with my mother. She is 95 years old and still physically capable, although after she broke her hip and had surgery to repair it last December she uses a walker.
She still reads, does crossword puzzles, and plays bridge and Scrabble.
The issue is that she has withdrawn from any personal interactions with me and my sisters. She never asks about us or has any in-depth conversations about anything. Phone calls with her last about one minute before she ends with “well, have a nice day.”
She may have some memory issues, but I think she’s probably still sharp as she still plays the games, et cetera. It seems she just uses us (me and my sisters) to run errands and entertain her by playing Scrabble with her.
She used to be so much fun and was so good to talk to. I get that she’s old, but it seems like she’s going through the motions with us and doesn’t love us anymore. She won’t answer questions about her personal feelings with us or her doctors.
– Missing Mom
Dear Missing: Though this change in your mom’s demeanor is hard for you to navigate, try not to frame it as a lack of love for you. I don’t know her mind, of course, but malicious intent or apathy are less likely causes than a shift in your mother’s cognition or in her emotional state.
It’s possible that she is depressed, as can happen to all of us and often comes about after a major medical event. It’s also possible she’s experiencing some cognitive challenges. The game play may require less of her than maintaining conversation. It’s also possible that her outlook on life has simply changed with age and she’s just not as interested in conversation as she once was.
Talk to her doctors about depression screenings and your concerns about her demeanor. But, as you’re taking those necessary precautions, also try to accept your mother for who she is right now. She may not have as much to say, but it seems she still appreciates having you around.
Dear Eric: I have been married to a woman with a beautiful soul and heart for more than 35 years. It’s the second marriage for both of us.
We both have our flaws and fit nicely and help each other. My health is moderately failing me as I approach my 70s. She has her own health issues, and we both suffer from MS/PTSD.
Both her siblings have failed marriages. The sister has no home – lost to foreclosure – so she lives at my mother-in-law's house. The brother sold his house and is living out of his RV.
About five years ago her brother and sister began to exclude her from any decisions regarding their elderly mother and her health and financial well-being. Things have gotten worse, as they are treating her like a servant and outsider. They have insulted us, our lives and abilities several times and recently chastised her in front of her mother.
They have never apologized for their transgressions and insults at home or out in public that were directed at us and our lives. We have been there for everyone in her family for more than 35 years, replacing appliances, doctor, dentist, car repairs, and providing meals during holidays.
Quite frankly I cannot bring myself to be around the two as I have a hard time controlling my comments. How do I address their actions and words, while trying to mediate some type of reconciliation? Or do we try to help the mother while we can and ignore the two? There is concern about the mother's money and some very expensive jewelry.
– Perplexed in Arizona
Dear Perplexed: Right now, the priority is making sure that your wife’s mother is taken care of, so focus on that and ignore the comments from the siblings as much as possible.
It’s important to talk to an estate law attorney with your mother-in-law about her Power of Attorney for Healthcare, her Durable Power of Attorney, her wishes for long-term care, and her estate. If you have questions about money, now is the time to get answers.
More importantly, talking with a neutral third party about her wishes and the care she’s receiving now will help protect her from elder financial abuse and can eliminate some of the opportunity for family conflict.
The goal is to clarify things in writing so that nothing is assumed and to have proactive conversations about how you will all work together to support your mother-in-law. Your wife’s siblings may never treat her the way they should, but there are ways to protect her from being taken advantage of.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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