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Dear Eric: I've been married for four years, and I recently learned that some of my husband's stories about his past are lies. I had his mom bring old pictures of him to his birthday party I put together. I asked her if she had any pictures of him from when he played college baseball. She didn't know what I was talking about.

I've suspected for two years that it was a lie, so it didn't come as a big shock to me. We got to talking more, and I also learned that he stretched the truth a bit on his military experience. Again, another suspicion I already had. These suspicions come from evidence I found.

Am I hurt about this? Of course, I am. I don't let it get me down though since we do have a great relationship. I haven't confronted him about it and I'm not sure I ever will. Not only does he get easily defensive, but people like that believe their own lies.

I'm not asking for advice on what to do exactly. My question is why? Why do people do this? How does a man sleep at night knowing he's told fabricated stories to his wife, whom he claims is the most important person in his life and he loves with all his entire being? Do liars like this really not realize they're doing it?

I love him very much and he makes me feel loved every day despite all this. I am hurt, but the main feeling I'm having right now is simply questioning the why.

– Lied To

Dear Lied To: There are a few possible causes for this behavior. The root may be psychological, emotional or something else. It’s possible he believes these lies to be true, or that he wants to control some part of his narrative. Suffice it to say, I’m not in a position to speculate but it does warrant attention.

Additionally, the fact that it’s happening and that you’re bothered by it, suggests that whatever the cause, it’s a problem in your marriage and you should consider addressing it.

As you noted, confronting him, particularly about these lies relating to his past, may not be effective. But it’s possible that he’s lying about other things in the present, which would require you to pay closer attention and to disrupt the lies in real time. Because this propensity could very well be connected to an underlying issue that requires treatment, it would be a good idea to talk to him about seeing a therapist or even going to therapy together, as the hurt you’re feeling and the trust that needs to be rebuilt should be addressed, too.

Dear Eric: The love of my life ghosted me in 2020. He couldn't even give me a single date, deeming me unworthy of his presence. Long have I suspected that he was hiding the fact that he isn't into women. Recently he has resurfaced. He told me to leave him alone. My shock and disappointment at his lack of any meaningful apology after years of silence and deception, is overwhelming. How do I respect his wishes while dealing with the fact that I will probably be single for the rest of my life?

– Hopeless Romantic

Dear Romantic: The first step is to do as he asked and stop contacting him. While respecting his wishes might be hard, if you care about this person, you should respect his desire to feel safe and heard. To not do so is not only unloving, but dangerous.

It’s not clear from your letter if you were in a relationship that was mutually consented to, so you should get internal clarity about what happened in 2020. You write that he was the love of your life, but you also write that you did not have a single date. That would suggest that while you may have had feelings for him, you weren’t in agreement about how a relationship should progress.

This can be painful and confusing, but a crucial part of healing in situations like these is acknowledging reality and honoring boundaries, even if we wish those boundaries weren’t there. To keep pushing against another person’s boundaries not only risks putting them in danger, but it robs you of the opportunity to engage meaningfully with your own life as it is.

We all have things that we wish were true. It’s OK to acknowledge to yourself that you wish he felt the same way about you as you do about him. It will be a healthy practice for you to accept this fact as something that you cannot change. By accepting it, you release yourself from the prison of “what could have been.” From there, another relationship with someone else can blossom.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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