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Dear Eric: I am struggling with my mother.

Soon after I got engaged, my then-fiancé began stalking me at work, driving around my employer's parking lot doing “wheelies.” I wasn't allowed to even look at another man while in a car traveling somewhere.

I broke up with him. However, I would find him parked in an alley behind my house waiting for me whenever I would go anywhere. He would then drive home and start calling my phone.

Finally, I told him that if he didn't stop this behavior that I would contact every local newspaper and report him as a stalker. He was a county official and wouldn't want the publicity. So, he stopped.

Then I found out that after all of this my mother was inviting him down to her house for Sunday dinner. I couldn't believe it. She was 100 percent aware of what he had done to me.

When I asked her why she would do that the answer I got was, "He didn't do anything to me." I am dumbfounded. Am I supposed to try to continue to have a relationship with her? Right now, I feel so betrayed. I don't feel like I ever even had a mother.

– Motherless

Dear Motherless: Your mother’s response is shocking to me as well. Your confusion and hurt are well-founded. Even if she didn’t understand the impact that your ex-fiancé’s terrible actions had on you, basic sympathy and familial allegiance would suggest that she find someone else with whom to dine. Is there no one else in town?

This is not an unforgivable offense, but it’s definitely something that shouldn’t be brushed under the table. Try to have another conversation with her in which you tell her how you felt when you heard about the dinners and how you felt when you heard her response. You can say something like, “as you know, his stalking put me in danger and made me feel very unsafe. Even though he’s stopped, those feelings haven’t gone away, particularly since he has power in this area. So, I need a place where I can feel safe. I would like that to be your home, but your actions suggest to me that you’re choosing his company over my safety. Is that the choice that you’re trying to make?”

You don’t have to compromise here. She may not fully understand, but if she can’t say, “what you experienced was awful and I don’t want that for you or anyone. I will do what I can to make you feel safe,” then you need to put some distance in your relationship.

If possible, I strongly encourage you to talk to the authorities about the stalking, and file a police report. I understand that, given his position, it might be harder to find a listening ear. But please get this documented and get protection.

Dear Eric: I have attended destination weddings for three close relatives. I paid for our travel, food, hotels, et cetera. Travel out-of-state but within the USA was expensive. I didn’t mind paying these expenses.

However, two of the three divorced a short period after their weddings and the third says he’s thinking of leaving his spouse. These three are all from the same family.

Now, two of them are engaged again and are planning for their wedding. This time, however, each one of their weddings is on a different continent so travel will be hugely more expensive than it was for their first weddings.

I already went to their weddings a few years ago. I’d really not like to go again. How many weddings am I supposed to attend for each one? What is the proper etiquette? Should I feel obligated to attend? Should I send a wedding gift? I already sent a wedding gift to their first weddings.

– Too Many Weddings

Dear Weddings: Wow, this family sure loves to cross state lines to marry. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, of course. And some might find it quite fun. But others, as your letter demonstrates, might find the cost and effort exhausting.

The short answer to your question is that you can decline a wedding invite, with regrets, for any reason. And the rigmarole of international travel is a very good reason.

It’s helpful to see these new unions as separate and distinct from the first ones. Folks don’t collect Frequent Flier points from the courthouse when getting their marriage licenses. That said, your presence and any gift you bring or send is mostly about your relationship with your family member and the well-wishes you want to extend. If it’s getting to be too much, it’s fine to send a gift or a card that expresses your joy that they’ve found love again and your hope for their on-going happiness.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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