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Dear Eric: One of my oldest friends, Dee, has an 18-year-old daughter, Angie, who recently moved in with her aunt and uncle because she and Dee just could not get along.

Dee labeled Angie as depressed, bipolar, lacking empathy, narcissistic, et cetera.

Meanwhile Angie is class president, has won a full scholarship to college, stars in the school musicals, has two jobs; no drugs, alcohol or smoking. She excels at almost everything she attempts.

Dee is just furious that her daughter doesn't do her laundry on time, doesn't clean her room, make the bed and won't talk to her. She’s harped on it to us constantly for the last three years or so.

It's escalated to the point that she refuses to talk about anything else. She forced me to read dozens of pages of emails she sent her daughter where she listed everything wrong, she felt the girl did. It was a ranting tirade that was embarrassing to read (and honestly made many of us feel glad Angie was out from under that).

Dee has confided to all of her friends that she "punishes" Angie by taking her phone away and then checks her daughter's phone in detail for texts, emails, social media posts, anything to try and catch her doing something wrong.

Now all that is mother-daughter problems and, in my opinion, should be kept within the family. My friends and I are exhausted trying to act like we support our friend Dee.

I love Dee, and I need a way to let her know we all love her but think some therapy might help her put this in perspective. Or should I back away and let her work it out on her own? Should I do anything, or step aside?

– Family Business

Dear Family: I don’t think this is just “mother-daughter problems.” Some of Dee’s actions are quite extreme and could even be considered emotionally abusive toward Angie. Dee may be struggling mentally and taking it out on Angie. As a friend, it’s important not to be neutral here. You’ve noticed Angie’s objectionable behavior and an obsessiveness that is creating problems in all sorts of ways for her; you also are privy to a reality that doesn’t match up with her narrative. It’s time for a tough conversation with her about her actions and the need to get help. You can say something like “Because I love and care about you, I need to tell you that I’m worried. The way you talk about Angie and the way you treat her really concerns me. It seems dangerous for both of you. Would you please talk to a professional about this relationship?”

You can, if you want, be even more blunt. It really sounds like this situation is out of control and Angie is much safer keeping her distance. The kindest thing you can do for Dee is to reflect back some reality to her. It’s not unfixable, but she has to make a change.

Dear Eric: I am 65 years old and have had many friends for many years. My three best friends have decided to completely cut me out of their lives for some inexplicable reason. I am devastated and depressed. Should I write to them asking why they did this and let them know what this has done to me?

– Very Blue

Dear Blue: Reaching out to your friends is a good idea. They may not reply or may not reply in a way that answers the questions their actions bring up, but speaking your mind and being proactive about healing this rift will help your internal process.

When you write to them, you may want to lead with “I” statements, such as “I feel confused about what’s happened in our friendship” or “I miss you and if there’s something that I did, I’d like to know what that is.” These are just two examples. You don’t have to prostrate yourself for their approval in your letter. It’s also fine to speak your mind in whatever way feels appropriate to your longstanding relationship.

What’s most important here is that you do what you need to do to avoid feeling powerless. Ghosting a seemingly healthy, communicative relationship is rarely a good option, if ever. It certainly doesn’t seem to be the way forward here. As you go about this, also try to think about what outcomes you’d prefer. It’s fine for one of those preferred outcomes to be for everything to go back to what it was before, as long as you acknowledge that that may not be possible. Writing to your friends is about your friendship, but it’s also – perhaps mainly – a process that can help you feel a sense of closure. That’s going to come from inside, rather than from anything they say.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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