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Dear Eric: We have friends, who we have not seen in more than a decade. Yet the wife sends us cards for every holiday, our birthdays and at Christmas, many times with gift cards enclosed.

For a while I told them to stop by and see us, or to call and chat. That never happens, and I am just wondering what her motivation is? Thanks for your thoughts.

– Gifts Only

Dear Gifts: Respectfully, I don’t have a way of knowing what her motivation is. But I can encourage you to ask. There’s no harm in expressing curiosity because it helps us to know friends and loved ones better.

She may find that she has capacity for sending cards – or even prefer that form of touching base – but that visits or phone calls are too much. Everyone communicates in their own ways, so the most helpful thing in this situation may be for you to ascertain what this gesture means. Then, you can share what visiting would mean to you.

Dear Eric: Twenty years ago, I found myself a part of a group that initially started as a gym buddy group. I was brought inside the circle by the "leader", aka the one who initiates and makes plans.

Since the pandemic, the gatherings outside the gym (parties, social meetups) have increased a great deal. I feel resistance to our leader who would solely determine the theme, the food, the activities, the dress code for the parties or events.

The chance to be called out for any mistakes in the dress code can happen at a party. She has a strong personality, with the habit of saying what is on her mind with speech that can be harsh and shouty.

The other members seem fine with it. I do not understand why I can't just grin and bear it during parties.

I have a fear of leaving not only because of possibly hurting her but because she is and has always been kind to me.

But I find myself not wanting to come to socials. I am resisting belonging in a group with a hierarchical nature. If I leave, it will not be taken lightly. And will I lose the opportunity to have these people in my life? What of their kindness? Am I just being too fussy?

– Should I Stay or Go

Dear Stay or Go: While this group may have worked for you at one time, it seems clear that that is no longer the case. Social gatherings and meetups shouldn’t be the source of so much stress. And no one should be shouted at for not following a dress code.

Part of the guilt you feel may be coming from the controlling influence the group’s leader has over the rest of you. She wants, and has gotten, a say over what you do, how you dress and what you say, so it makes sense that she is, in some way, a voice in your head telling you that leaving would be a betrayal of her kindness.

It’s important to remember that her feelings are her responsibility. If you step away with kindness and clarity of intention, any negativity she feels or expresses is on her side of the street. You may, indeed, lose some connections in the group, but not necessarily all of them. You have the ability – and the freedom – to make side plans and cultivate side relationships. Ultimately, it seems healthier for you to be around people who respect your autonomy than to suppress that autonomy in the name of getting along.

Dear Eric: This is my wife's suggestion for resolving the letter writer's dilemma about a twin brother's request to announce his engagement in the midst of his sibling’s wedding (“Already Saved the Date”):

The sibling getting married should plan a toss of the bridal bouquet to the brother's girlfriend. The twin brother would then come forward and propose to his girlfriend! This solution allows the twin and the guests to celebrate the wedding undiluted by the brother's news, and allows the brother to take center stage, as the twin is about to exit. The twins can collaborate on this plan rather than compete for attention, and the guests will enjoy this bonus, happy surprise. Everyone wins!

– Lucky Husband

Dear Husband: I’ll admit I was surprised by how many readers disagreed with my assertion that if the marrying twin didn’t want the brother to propose at the wedding, the brother should find another time. It actually prompted quite a few responses. Personally, it would not be my choice but it doesn’t matter what I’d do. (I don’t even have a twin!) Your wife’s solution is very creative and could be a great way for the twins to work together for a shared celebration.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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