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Dear Eric: I have lived in the same apartment complex for about 10 years. Years ago, the elderly couple next door started to leave me gift bags of items such as tea towels and candy bars.

At first, it felt sweet, but it has become burdensome. They acknowledge every holiday, including Mother’s Day (I am not a mother). I have always reciprocated by giving them back their own bags with token gifts.

Last year, the husband made some curmudgeonly remarks about us outdoing one another and only gifting because “we have to.” There seemed to be a serious disconnect with at least two of the three gifting parties.

This year, I answered their Valentine’s gift with a gift back and a nicely worded request to reduce the frequency of our gift exchanges to just birthdays and Christmas going forward. I thanked them profusely for their generosity and cited several reasons, most of all my tighter finances and lack of storage space.

Upon seeing the wife out the week after St. Patrick’s Day, I was stunned to hear her tell me how much she missed the gift bag from me, and that she kept waiting for it outside her door, but it never came. Her demeanor was heartbroken. When I reminded her about both of us scaling back, she added, “it was never about the money.”

I am at a loss. On one hand, I am proud that I drew a boundary around something draining for me, but I also found her remarks deeply perplexing and felt some shame. Was I wrong to ever broach this issue with them?

– Gift-Giver Seeking Time Off

Dear Gift-Giver: You did the right thing. The gifting tradition didn’t have the intended impact anymore and so it was going to cause resentment if you’d continued without saying something. It seems that it already caused resentment for the husband, but that’s his responsibility to deal with.

I empathize with the wife; it’s clear she saw the gift-giving as a way to express mutual care and affection. But it’s important for her to hear what you’re saying and right now I’m not sure that she is.

If you want to circle back to this – and I’m not saying you must – you might tell her that you’re concerned she felt sad about the St. Patrick’s Day gift and you want to work together to think of another way to express care for each other. While she may be most comfortable showing her love through gifts, there’s freedom for both of you in redefining what a gift is. A simple gesture like a Post-It that reads “Happy [Insert Holiday]” can come to mean just as much in the right context. It’s all about getting on the same page about how you’re communicating with each other.

Dear Eric: My mother is 98. She lives independently in a condo, is mentally fully functioning, but can’t cook or do housekeeping anymore.

My sister and I take turns making her something warm to eat and my sister also does some light housekeeping. This takes one to two hours each day. My sister does this while her husband is at dialysis three times a week at a facility five minutes from my mother’s. He needs 24/7 care.

I am currently in fairly good health but have some medical issues that may eventually make it difficult/impossible to travel. This fall I would like to go to Europe for three weeks. I would like to have someone come three times a week while I am gone to take my place. I would have this person come in ahead of time so that my mother could get to know them and I could show them what needs to be done.

My mother does not want anyone other than my sister and me to care for her. My sister’s plate is already more than full, so I don’t want to add to it. Is it unreasonable of me to expect my mother to accept outside help?

– Perplexed in PA

Dear Perplexed: It’s not unreasonable. Nevertheless, it may still be hard for your mother to accept. This is a system in which everyone is trying their best, but everyone is also being pushed to their limits. So, some flexibility is required.

Have a conversation as a family – you, your mother, and your sister – about the competing wants here. It may be helpful for her to hear this plan less as an ultimatum than as a problem to be solved together. Perhaps there is a family friend who can take your place while you’re gone, rather than relying on a stranger. Or perhaps there can be a mix.

Be clear with your mother about what you can and can’t do and ask her, given this reality, what are some solutions you could live with?

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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