Asking Eric: Mother doesn’t want son at family funeral because of his drinking
Dear Eric: My father recently passed after a long battle with dementia. My 45-year-old son who was close to my father is an alcoholic. He was sober for almost two years and then relapsed a few weeks ago after learning my father was close to death.
He has mental health issues as well as abusing alcohol and has been in and out of rehab and sober living homes for years. He gets intoxicated and goes on crying jags and completely falls apart.
My husband and I have done everything in our power to help him. But I can’t carry my son’s burden and deal with my father’s passing. I don’t want him at the funeral. I’m afraid he will be drunk and out of control and make a scene. It would be appalling.
How can I tell him he’s not welcome there when he loved my father so much? He’s currently in the hospital with complications from alcoholism and he will be released soon. I’m heartbroken not only because of my father’s death, but because of my son’s situation. I’m swimming in an ocean of sadness with no life jacket. Any suggestions?
– Grieving Daughter and Mom
Dear Daughter and Mom: I’m so sorry for the loss of your father, the trauma of your son’s addiction and the pain you’re experiencing right now. Grief can be so isolating on its own and can have an even more complex impact when compounded by another loved one’s struggles.
It’s important for you to take the time you need to grieve your father and tend to your heart, so this may be an opportunity for your husband to manage your son’s emotional response and behavior. Tell him about your concerns, if you haven’t already, and ask him to come up with a solution that will give you the space you need.
That might mean that your husband and son have a private commemoration at a spot that was meaningful to your father, or that your son comes to the viewing early and your husband helps him out. Your husband can be upfront with your son about the challenges the family is facing. This will encourage your son to be a participant in the solution, rather than feeling only like the problem. If he has a sponsor or is in a treatment program, your son may also be willing to connect your husband to someone your son trusts in recovery who can also help support him and, by extension, you.
Dear Eric: I'm a retired social worker. I used to help clients to write scripts to prepare for difficult conversations.
I thought about the letter from the massage client with an overly talkative therapist (“Need to Drift Off”). Your advice was excellent; the client might say it this way:
"I'm lucky to have a massage therapist who knows me so well! You're very good at what you do.
I've been thinking about how to maximize the benefit from my massages, and I'd like to try something new.
I think it will help me relax even more deeply if we take a moment in the beginning to check in about any aches, pains or parts of my body that need special attention and then be quiet and calm while I focus on the massage and try to relax my mind. Can we give it a try and see how it goes?"
– Massage Message
Dear Message: Thank you for your kind words to me and these very helpful words for the letter writer. This is a great, very clear script!
Dear Eric: Recently my sisters visited and that was a long road trip for retirees. So, I am very, very appreciative of their effort to visit.
But my younger sister talks entirely too much. My older sister and I exchanged many silent looks trying to cope.
Younger sister needs to have the last say in every conversation, always has a better solution, knows it all.
Furthermore, in her effort to be a good houseguest she took over my duties as hostess, invading my refrigerator, pantry, clean-up and more.
She is tolerable in small doses. Three days is more than I can tolerate, really. She seems to have no clue. We can talk about others who talk too much, and the hint goes over her head.
What to do? I would like to discuss this with her but that most likely will go south really quickly.
– Frazzled Sister
Dear Sister: A lot depends on if your younger sister is planning to come back any time soon. If she’s not, which seems more likely given what you said about the length of the trip, I suggest letting it go. There were pros and cons to the visit, but it’s over now and you can enjoy your quieter house in peace.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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