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Dear Eric: My son is in his 40s and has been a stay-at-home dad for 12 years. His wife, same age, has a demanding job and he is responsible for anything having to do with the house and their two middle school-aged girls. They all seem happy with this arrangement.

Both girls are high achievers, happy at school and their other activities, but the parents do have their hands full managing the dynamics because one of the girls has a pretty serious anxiety disorder.

My son and his wife are two people of extraordinary intelligence and academic achievement and they are wonderful parents.

But their living situation could fairly be described as squalor. One bathroom is not fully functional; there are clothes, hobby supplies, et cetera, all over the place. The kitchen has barely any space left in which to put things down.

Needed repairs are ignored. The outside of the house is in disrepair and the yard is overgrown. I assure you this is not a matter of just not living up to my standards. No one would want their children raised in this environment.

I offered to gift them a regular cleaning service, but my daughter-in-law was adamantly opposed. She doesn’t want anyone in her space. We have made cash gifts at times to both our children but none of it goes toward maintaining their home. I am very concerned about my granddaughters coming of age in this environment. I’m feeling like some intervention is needed. I’m at a loss about what I can offer that is constructive. Your advice?

– Distressed by the Mess

Dear Distressed: It sounds like your son and daughter-in-law have their hands full and also have a high tolerance for clutter. You’ll be best served by choosing your battles. If the house is cluttered but not dirty and the girls have their needs met – clean clothes, clean dishes, and the like – it may be easier to tackle the repairs, as those are undeniable problems.

Telling your son and daughter-in-law that they live in squalor won’t go as well as telling them something like, “I have serious concerns about you and the children living in a place that’s not fully functional. It makes me fearful for your health and well-being. I know you’re good parents, but I implore you to let me help you by paying for the bathroom to be fixed (or lawn care or other repairs.)”

It may also be the case that the family, or members of the family, have hoarding tendencies. Hoarding is a mental disorder that requires empathy and patience, as well as intervention. You can read up on hoarding and resources for families on the International OCD Foundation’s Hoarding page ( https://hoarding.iocdf.org/ ).

Dear Eric: I am a widow with two single adult children. One, a recent college graduate, has a healthy salary. The other is barely scraping by. Until now, I have been paying when we eat out together for Mother’s Day and my birthday.

I think it’s time for this to stop, but they are resisting a change. On the last occasion, I suggested they cook dinner for me (since one of them is broke), and they told me they’d rather go out to eat – but didn’t

offer to pay.

I’ve also suggested alternatives to dinner, such as helping with yard work, which they immediately dismissed. I’m afraid if I just tell them I’m not paying anymore, they won’t make the effort to get together at

all. Any suggestions?

– Feeling Unappreciated

Dear Feeling: I’m frustrated on your behalf because it sounds like you’ve communicated clearly what you would like and proposed solutions and yet your children either aren’t hearing you or are actively rejecting what you’re asking for. This isn’t right. It’s time to set a firmer boundary. What might help get the message across is a conversation that involves you laying out what you will and won’t do anymore (i.e., no longer paying for meals out) as well as the anxiety you have about not getting together anymore. Your children need to mature into a different kind of relationship with you. Tell them that it’s important to you that you continue to be in each other’s lives and ask them if that’s a value they share also. If it is a shared value, ask them “how can we make this work for everyone?”

Although the money is an important factor, it’s very likely that it’s not the core issue. Your family is in need of a new way of communicating around this. This could be a growing edge for your kids; it could be the first time they’ve been asked to think like this. But by drawing a clear line between the effort and expense you’re putting out and the intention behind it, you empower them to step up. I hope they do.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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