Longtime Family Hosts Never Get To Be Guests
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are both from large families, and over the years, we have worked hard to stay connected to them. We have sent all the nieces and nephews generous birthday, holiday and graduation gifts. We and several of our siblings have hosted numerous parties and holiday gatherings -- usually two or three times a year.
My own children have also started hosting holidays and backyard barbecues for the family. Our nieces and nephews have attended all of these events and have, at times, asked to bring friends. We have always welcomed them.
However, although the nieces and nephews are now adults with professional jobs and homes of their own, none have reciprocated with invitations. None of them have ever invited family to their homes.
Despite this, when any of the nieces and nephews married, all three generations of family were invited. Until this year. The final three nieces and nephews, now all in their 40s, got married, and no one in the family was invited. Their photos and celebrations were posted online -- it was evident only friends were there.
My sister-in-law and I, who have hosted many family events, are hurt and surprised. We were told there are no plans to host a family celebration, no matter how small or casual.
I don't want to discontinue hosting family get-togethers, but I am struggling. I am left wondering whether our past invitations were accepted out of obligation. I'd be uncomfortable hosting a family event in the future and not inviting them, yet I don't want to misinterpret and create a rift.
GENTLE READER: Do you want to invite them to future events or not?
Miss Manners asks, because that is the first question. The answer appears to be no, if you are already setting up an explanation as to why they were not included: You were sparing them what you now realize had been an unpleasant duty.
Unfortunately, that won't work. All the nieces and nephews have to say is, "But we loved attending your family events!" and you will either have to say, "My mistake" -- or confess that you were hurt by not being invited to the weddings.
If you want to express your disappointment, you can gently do that. But if you are simply recognizing that the family bond was not what you thought -- and you do not want to discuss it -- then omit the invitations and, if asked about it, say, "Oh, I'm so sorry."
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you address a "yours, mine and ours" household? I don't feel like I can address it to "The Smith family," because my daughter's child is not a Smith. What would be the correct way to address the gift tag?
GENTLE READER: If by "gift tag" you mean the accompanying letter and envelope, then the correct outside form is: Mr. and Mrs. Who, Dr. Hoovey and Mr. Mayor. Since this is family, the letter itself can be addressed in familiar form: Dear Cindy Lou, the Grinch, and so on.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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