Finding Fault With 'what Was Your Name?'
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When meeting people -- job interviews, the doctor's office, the bank, or just meeting new people socially -- I have encountered an idiosyncrasy that bothers me. When coming face-to-face with someone for the first time, I have often been asked, "What was your name?"
This strikes me as odd. Since I am currently still using my name, I have always thought the correct verbiage would be, "What is your name?"
Once, when I was in a mood, my response was, "It was Bill, but now it's Betty." It was obvious that I merely perplexed the person rather than putting a point on their faux pas.
If, having been told my name and they had forgotten, then I think it would be appropriate to ask something like "What was your name again?" But is this an accepted phrasing for a first meeting?
GENTLE READER: Etiquette, unlike advertising, does not claim it can make the world conform to your personal preferences; its more practical goal is to keep everyone from killing their neighbors.
Miss Manners will therefore agree with you that the past tense is grammatically incorrect, while adding that it is not improper -- and that pert rejoinders generally are.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I received a wedding invitation several weeks ago for a date that is coming up soon, and we are feeling chagrined for not responding yet.
The issue is that my husband travels a lot for work as an independent contractor, and can't always say no to the travel. Would waiting until right before the event be rude? Or do we send our regrets now for their planning purposes?
We're not especially close to the bridal couple. They're more like family friends of my husband's parents and sister. This may have been a courtesy invite, as in the couple felt like they couldn't invite the other relatives without also inviting us.
We're very happy to celebrate this couple in whatever way is best for them.
GENTLE READER: Yes, it would be rude to wait until the last minute to respond. Yes, it would be rude to accept if you plan to cancel later. No, Miss Manners has no idea if the happy couple really wants you to attend merely because they invited you.
Any other questions that might delay sitting down to write a response? No? Then perhaps it is time to do what is undoubtedly best for the couple, which is to decline their invitation immediately.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate or polite to send a holiday greeting to a family member who refuses to talk to you and has not done so for more than 10 years?
The person has requested that no contact be made. However, another family member thinks it is impolite to exclude this person from holiday greetings.
GENTLE READER: Respecting their wishes for no contact is not rude.
Indicating a desire to restore the relationship would require at least a handwritten note that you were thinking of them. A card that is merely polite is not rude, but it accomplishes neither.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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