ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My life partner and I are blessed to have a tight-knit family and a small group of close friends. We have a nice, modest home and we are pleased to host the above on holidays.

We have twice run into issues with our sewer lines being plugged. On both occasions, the technicians have pulled out "flushable" wipes from the system. (I shan't have to tell you that the term "flushable" is only a marketing ploy. These tidy towels do nothing but clog sewer lines and cause major havoc at water treatment facilities.)

I was shocked to see this, as we don't even purchase these wipes, much less use them and flush them. The technicians told us it is quite common for women to carry these things in their purses.

Miss Manners, please give me the proper language to insist that our guests do not flush these in our home. We have incurred several thousands of dollars in sewer clearing and basement cleaning after each backup.

Can you please offer the words of wisdom you are so apt to come up with? By the way, we do have a wastebasket next to the toilet.

GENTLE READER: There is no charming way to criticize your guests' toilet habits.

You could have a general conversation about your septic tank problems, but they may or may not pick up on it in reference to themselves. They may also decide that this is not their idea of a scintillating evening, and decline future invitations to come back. (That would be another way of solving your problem.)

At the risk of sounding like the Household Hints department, Miss Manners suggests a waste can with a lid, perhaps labeled "For flushables."

But leave off the quotation marks around the second word, which she knows you are tempted to add.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We recently lost an extended family member under tragic circumstances. She leaves behind two children who will likely have no memory of their parent. In place of flowers or another traditional funeral offering, my branch of the family would like to start a fund for the children's future.

In the card, my spouse wants to list each participant with the amount each person gave. I disagree. I feel it should only list "the Smith family," "the Jones family," etc., without amounts. What are your recommendations?

GENTLE READER: Ask your spouse what the most important aspect is: that people will be moved to respond to another's tragedy? Or the amount of money you can get out of them?

Wait. Maybe you shouldn't ask that.

It is a truism of fundraising that publicizing the amounts donated will spur donors to outdo one another. Perhaps so. Perhaps what inspires charity in some people is not a desire to help but the wish to show off.

It is not only because this is crass that Miss Manners dislikes it. Surely it is not a good policy to embarrass those who make smaller donations.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN