ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is again hosting Thanksgiving for my small family, plus six people who work for her husband who have no family in town. It's a total of 12 to 15 people.

About 10 days in advance, my daughter usually sends out a text asking what each of us is bringing. But when we reply with what we're making, she often responds that she doesn't like what we planned and tells us what she wants us to bring.

This year, my son told her he was bringing a pasta salad. She was angry and said, "That's for a picnic." She told him not to bring the pasta salad because no one would eat it. My son was very hurt. My daughter contacted me, but I pretended like I hadn't spoken to my son.

I did think my daughter could've handled it differently, like sending out what everyone should bring, as opposed to asking us, then telling us "no" and giving us different assignments. I am going to propose that next year, she give each person two suggestions of what she needs.

In the meantime, my son is really hurt. Should I tell my son to save the pasta salad for another time, and just ask her what he can help with before he has to leave? (He works later that day.) Or should I just tell him to let it go and bring nothing? I'm trying to keep the peace!

GENTLE READER: And your daughter is not making it easy with her conflicting demands.

Miss Manners would go with your second option: telling your son that he can forgo bringing something, especially with the excuse of his work schedule that day. Your daughter may still pick a fight, but she seems to have the proclivity to do that anyway.

Meanwhile, you and your son can go enjoy a lovely picnic with his pasta salad.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We are fortunate to be able to travel, and have several friends that also travel frequently to exotic places. When we get together socially, our friends often share stories of their travels and plans for their next trip.

Wanting to join in the conversation, my spouse and I will sometimes share our plans for our next trip. But how should we respond when friends proclaim that they want to join us on our next vacation, as it is someplace they also want to go?

This has happened several times, and we have usually managed to avoid additional awkward moments by "not remembering" details of the trip when asked. We like spending time with these friends, and are flattered they want to join us, but if we had wanted to spend two weeks with them, we would have invited them in the initial planning stages.

Is there a polite response to these direct requests to join us? Should we just refrain from sharing our future plans?

GENTLE READER: "Oh, ha ha, wouldn't that be fun?" Repeated as necessary with no follow-up on your part.

If this fails -- and your friends refuse to understand -- Miss Manners suggests you say, "Oh, we have already made plans for this one, but yes, by all means, why don't we look into having a future vacation together."

And then let your friends take care of the follow-up and planning -- no doubt the part that they were hoping to bypass by joining you.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN