Outdoor Parties Should Remain Outdoors
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to host an outdoor event at our home and limit the indoor access to restroom use only?
My husband is one of seven siblings, who are all married with multiple children; some of those children are grown and married with children, as well. Needless to say, our combined immediate family is very large. We come from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds, and even 10 years in, we still differ on what we feel is appropriate or reasonable to ask of relatives. Hosting such a large family is one issue on which we still can't meet in the middle.
I do not come from a large immediate family, but do have a large extended family, and the protocol for gatherings is still the same: With the exception of formal, black-tie events, one never arrives to a family member's home empty-handed, and if the event is being held outdoors, all guests remain outside with the host.
My in-laws (not all of them, but always the matriarch and patriarch) usually arrive with nothing more than an appetite. And no matter where the host has made accommodations for guests to gather, they always make their way inside the house to watch TV and spill/splatter indoors.
To me, it feels so disrespectful and discourteous. I have accepted feeling this way for many years, but this year, we are hosting a very carefully planned evening backyard graduation party for our middle child. She is my child through marriage, so this event will include our combined immediate family and also my husband's extended family.
For the first time ever, I have asked all attending guests, no matter their status, to respectfully refrain from entering the home for anything other than restroom use. My husband did not feel that was appropriate.
Have I really lost touch?
GENTLE READER: Although she is going to help you get your wish, Miss Manners warns you that what you asked for and what you actually want are not in perfect alignment.
To change your in-laws' longstanding behavior requires both their and your husband's cooperation -- something you have not been able to obtain in a decade of trying.
But this event is different than other informal family gathers: Graduations are unique. (No, scratch that: Children now apparently graduate from everything except summer camp, and someone is no doubt working on that. But for these purposes, we will pretend.)
Convince your husband that for this one unique and more formal event, it would be unkind if everyone did not participate as a family. He will then have to help you convince his side of the family.
The quid pro quo is that you will stop fighting about less formal family events -- which, remember, you were losing anyway.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2026 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN
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