ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There was a 60-year member of our church who lived in our town all of her life, enjoying a 70-year marriage and raising four children here. In her 80s, she was widowed and lucky enough to remarry.

When she passed on, I was shocked to see that her newspaper obituary omitted any reference to her first marriage, her church, and two of her four children (!). I contacted the paper and was told that her husband had seemed rather confused when he called it in; they could run a corrected obit free of charge, and I gave them the info.

I heard nothing more about it, though her second husband continued to attend church. Then I chanced to speak with her younger daughter (one of the children omitted) and was told, to my astonishment, that the omissions had been instigated by the elder daughter, who had been furious at the updated version, but had said nothing; she had even received me cordially at her mother's memorial gathering.

It seems best at this point to say or do nothing more, but I would like Miss Manners' views on the situation and my errors in dealing with it.

GENTLE READER: You think it would be best to do nothing, but you are not sure? Perhaps there is a case to be made for further unilateral intervention?

Your prior actions were, no doubt, well-intentioned. But how would you feel if someone edited your mother's obituary without consulting you? And if your answer is that you would be grateful to them for correcting errors, Miss Manners points out that the elder daughter, for reasons unknown, does not think the first version was in error.

Consider yourself lucky that the grieving family was either too surprised or too well-mannered to express their feelings about what happened. Making decisions that are the prerogative of grieving family members usually gets you in trouble; refraining from interfering does not.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My sister, who I am very close to, her husband, and I often go together to purchase gifts for family members and friends. When the payment calculations are done, my sister will "charge" me 50% or reimburse me 50%.

Since the three of us are giving the gift, I feel the cost should be divided by three. I would appreciate Miss Manner's opinion on such an arrangement!

GENTLE READER: Your point is logical, but Miss Manners cannot help but notice that it is not the only logical solution, merely the one that reduces the cost to yourself.

Counting households, rather than persons, is equally logical. And there has been no mention of the card that accompanies these presents. Do you convey only the best wishes of Aunt Claire, or do Buffy, Jesse and Fido also make an appearance in the signature block?

Perhaps your sister will welcome a discussion of a 2-1 cost sharing. But if not -- and you find the current method insupportable -- then purchasing separate presents may be less troublesome than the family disharmony caused by putting forward your suggested split.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN