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Dear Eric: Do I have to be friends with my friend’s other friends?

I have a good friend, D. Our sons are good friends, too, so we see each other often. D and her three friends have known each other for a really long time.

I didn’t really get close to them – I am fairly introverted. I never really liked one of D’s friends, E. She is a drama queen, and her values don’t align with mine. Additionally, I never really felt comfortable around her. Also, I feel like she evades paying restaurant bills and a couple of times I paid hefty bills and E never reciprocated, while others reimbursed their share or reciprocated other times.

I am not financially secure to continue going out as much.

Recently, I moved to a different apartment that is closer to D’s house. D and I got together a couple of times for coffee at my place and E called and requested that I invite her, too.

I don’t like her. When I was in a difficult situation and asked E if I could pay her adult son to help me out with moving stuff, E brushed me off and never offered me any help overall while other friends did. She never reaches out unless social gatherings are planned.

Recently D told me that E has health issues and E’s husband is financially abusing her. I am sympathetic to E’s struggles, but I still don’t enjoy her company and I still don’t want to invite her. Am I a bad person? How do I explain to D that I want to hang out with D but not with E.

– Friend of a Friend

Dear Friend: Friendship doesn’t always translate so there’s nothing wrong with acknowledging that you don’t really get along with someone, even if people you do get along with like them. I don’t know that you really need to make a big declaration to D.

It may be as simple as keeping whatever boundary between yourself and E that you want and being cordial if you ever find yourself in a group situation. Indeed, bringing D into this may create more issues and unnecessarily make her think she has to solve the fracture.

From your letter, it seems that you and E have expectations that aren’t matching up. If you were going to be in close proximity more often or if you wanted to work it out, I’d suggest having a conversation to hash it out calmly, with an eye on communicating better in the future. But as it stands, it’s fine to let E remain a friend of a friend.

Dear Eric: I just read the letter and your response about how best to divide up the possessions of a mom over 90 among a large group of descendants (“Concerned Daughter”). Your response was fine, but perhaps there's another way rather than putting stickers on items to claim things while mom is still alive, which we find to be a bit ghoulish.

Both my wife and I have been through the loss of our parents and found the following method has worked very well for dividing up sentimental possessions among the many brothers and sisters on both sides of the family.

We simply gave the children of the deceased alternating choices of the items up for grabs, one item at a time. You can draw numbers out of a hat if necessary to see who gets first dibs or even let the child who put in the most time caring for mom or dad have first pick. In our case, we simply let the oldest child choose the first item, followed by the next oldest, etc. Each person can choose only one item when it's their turn.

By doing it this way, the kids had to put some thought into which items meant the most to them, and there were no complaints afterward.

I hope you and your readers find this helpful.

– All Getting Along

Dear Getting Along: Thank you for this suggestion. If the letter writer, or anyone else facing a similar situation, wishes to wait until after a relative has passed before having conversations about where the relative’s possessions will go, this might be a good option.

Many other readers shared their experiences, as well.

Some have found success having good-natured “family auctions” with Monopoly money, letting family members sign up for items that they want to take home, or having an event during which family members share about what certain items mean to them or make them remember about the deceased. All good options, depending on the make-up of the family or wishes of the deceased.

The key to success is communicating about intentions, before death if possible, and also after a loved one passes.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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