ArcaMax

Dear Eric: About once a month a group of us from church go out to dinner. At our last dinner, I was sitting next to a woman I know casually. The day after this dinner, the woman complained to the person who organized the event that she had to go to the ER because of a reaction to what I ordered. Seems she is allergic to fish, which she knew, but I did not.

Here is the amusing part. I did not have fish.

Although I am sympathetic with her plight, I just laughed this off. If we go out again with a group that includes this woman, would it be rude to insist she not sit next to me?

– Fishy Story

Dear Story: An ER visit is no laughing matter, so I’d choose another route. It’s possible that there was fish oil or fish derivatives in something you or someone else at the dinner ate (Caesar dressing, puttanesca, Worcestershire sauce, bouillabaisse, or another food with fewer vowels.) Cross-contamination in the kitchen is also possible. You didn’t know that there was a risk, and seemingly she didn’t think there was, so there’s no fault here.

But the next time you dine out, it might be useful, instead of insisting she sit elsewhere, to ask if she needs any accommodations. If her allergy is so sensitive that she can’t sit near a triggering food item, then there’s probably a larger issue and it would benefit everyone to get clarity.

It’s not your responsibility to manage her allergy. However, since this is a social group that meets regularly, expressing your concern and asking how, if at all, you can help is a simple and hospitable gesture that would likely contribute to the overall well-being of the group as well as the well-being of this one member.

Dear Eric: I have a niece and nephew, both now in their 30’s. My middle sister and I have always had to ask if they received the presents, we have sent them for their birthdays, holidays, graduations, et cetera. This has been a topic that my sister and I have discussed with them many times over the years.

When I became a great-uncle, I sent my great-niece presents for her birthday and the holidays, and the pattern continued with me having to ask if the present was received.

This past year I had to again ask my niece if my great-niece, who is now 10 years old, received the present and ended up having a fight with her and she wrote me a nasty text.

I have decided to no longer send gifts.

Also, I was extremely ill two years ago and was knocking on heaven's door. During that time, I never received a phone call or text asking how I am.

The decision was made to change my beneficiaries and leave what was to go to them to my niece from another sister who has continued to stay in touch, check in, visit, invite me to her home, and treat me like the family that we are. Am I wrong in cutting out my great-niece and now my great-nephew, born this past year? By the age of 10, a child should have been educated in the words “thank you.”

– Resources Redistributed

Dear Resources: You’re free to leave what you want to anyone, for any reason. So, the short answer is you’re not wrong to cut out your great-niece and great-nephew if you so choose.

While your great-niece didn’t write you a “thank you” note for the last present, your conflict isn’t really with the children, so add that consideration to your thinking. It’s clear that the parents don’t have the same values you do around expressing gratitude. Your conflict is really with them.

It also seems that gratitude is only part of the problem. The larger issue seems to be the lack of care they’re showing for your relationship in general. It sounds like you’ve had some conversations about it, but it may be helpful to be more direct in talking about how you’d like to be in their lives and seeing if that’s what they want, too. It’s OK to say that it matters to you when relatives show up, check in, communicate, and express care and concern. They may be willing and interested in stepping up; they may not.

With inheritance, it’s helpful to think about what you intend the money to do. Oftentimes people will bequeath money or belongings as a symbol of the strength of a relationship. If that’s what you’d like this money to do for your great-niece and great-nephew, it may be helpful to first think about if/how you can build better relationships with them while you’re living and let those efforts and results guide your estate planning going forward.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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