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Dear Eric: I’m a 58-year-old daughter to a 94-year-old father and an 83-year-old mother. I love my parents dearly, but we have had no contact for nearly a year. I know that at any time my father and/or mother could pass. This is the one stressor in my life – that I will lose one or both of my parents when we are at odds.

My mother and I are polar opposites politically. I am open to any debate; however, my mother has a sign on the door to my parents’ house: “No politics.” So, I do not bring up politics.

Unfortunately, my mother refuses to adhere to her rule. She constantly brings up politics, yet when I attempt to rebut, she shuts down and refuses to engage.

It is her way. Period.

I know that my father aligns with me politically, but he “goes along to get along.” My dad isn’t going to divorce my mom at his advanced age.

I am at a loss. How can I reunite with my parents when my mother is so hateful to any view but her own?

– No Politics

Dear No Politics: It seems that your mother’s sign should come with an asterisk: no politics except mine. Because that’s really what she’s communicating that she wants. This is her prerogative and while it may not be pleasant, you don’t have to engage.

You can set and hold the boundary that she says she wants but to which she won’t adhere. When she starts talking about politics, you can either change the subject without contradicting or correcting, or you can say, “Mom, I don’t want to talk about politics. I want to spend time with you and talk about us.”

Now, this may not be what she really wants deep down. She may be itching for a debate. If that’s the case, it may help to set a time limit for your visits or choose neutral spaces, like a restaurant, or neutral activities, like a walking tour. She may not be able to or want to help herself, but if she finds that you won’t take the bait, she may start fishing elsewhere.

Dear Eric: A retiree bridge group was formed more than 15 years ago with one person teaching several others how to play. As people moved in and out of our area the group expanded and changed over the years. The host home rotates and whoever wants to play on the game day lets the host know. Sometimes there are several tables playing at once depending on how much room the host has.

The health of one of the original members has been deteriorating over the past few years. Mentally they can no longer keep up with the rate of play most of us enjoy. Nobody really wants to play with that individual and some people will not continue with the group as a result. Those of us who want the group to continue are torn between enjoying this pastime and being compassionate for this individual. The problem is we don’t know how to tell this person that we don’t enjoy playing with them anymore.

Do you have any advice on how to gently tell this individual that they are no longer invited to play? They are well-liked and are welcome to come and watch and socialize, but we think this individual would be hurt by this suggestion and don’t know who should have the conversation or how to broach the subject. We are sadly confused.

– Game Change

Dear Game: There is a way to err on the side of compassion while still enjoying your time socializing and playing. You’re probably right to think that this individual would be hurt by being excluded from play without having any say in it. As you noted, the group has changed quite a bit since it was founded; one of the privileges of knowing and socializing with people for a long time is getting to walk with them as they change. Of course, that change is not always easy, for them or for you.

Talk to this individual one-on-one and share what you’ve noticed about their capacity for playing and ask them if they’ve noticed the same thing. It’s possible that this person knows that they can’t keep up and hasn’t considered the possibility of coming just to watch and socialize. Having a conversation about their experience will keep them from feeling disempowered and may open up new options.

It’s also possible that this person is content with the way they’re playing now. That’s their right and it’s hard to find a compassionate way to disinvite them from a group of which they’re an original member. If other members don’t want to play with this person, they can opt not to come or to join another table if there’s enough players in attendance.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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