ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I had a casual friend, Casey, in high school but didn't reconnect until a few years ago. She is driving me crazy with her relentless, impossible to answer questions, as well as her predicting and assuming what my family members will do or say in any given circumstance, despite never meeting them.

At one point, when I had surgery, she had so many comments and directions and even questioned what my doctor told me. I finally said, "Do you want his number, and you can ask him yourself?"

Things came to a head when I told her she needed to stop giving me unwarranted advice and speculating her opinion on things she could not possibly know. I cited many instances to her. She got offended and said I was disrespecting her. We didn't communicate for about a year, then for some reason got back in touch.

Now she is back at it again. It's as if she didn't learn from the first time.

For instance, I told Casey that I found out a family member in another state was in the hospital but couldn't communicate well and I was concerned what had happened because this wasn't like him to not text me back. Casey said, "I'm sure you'll hear from him today. He is probably just fine and is looking for sympathy.”

She doesn't even know him, doesn't know his medical issues, and has never met him. Once she said that her "intuition" told her what was going to occur with him.

She doesn't seem in her emails that she is suffering from dementia. It appears in many instances that she doesn't read my email in full, just quickly scans it because when she writes back, she will get details wrong that I had just written. I've given up correcting many of those because sometimes, what is the point? Any advice to me before I start tearing my hair out?

– Going Bananas

Dear Going Bananas: Casey’s intentions may be good, and she may be misunderstanding what’s really called for in an exchange, but it seems clear that this friendship isn’t working for you. You’ve asked her to refrain from giving baseless opinions or peppering you with questions and she won’t. So, your options are either to stop emailing altogether, or to stop telling her about your life in so much detail.

It comes down to what you want out of this friendship. Ultimately, you may be looking for someone who will listen and empathize. Casey, as a casual friend with a very consistent track record, does not seem to be that friend. Try offering her less information in your emails or limit the conversation to subjects about which you can both agree and about which there’s no need to prognosticate.

Dear Eric: We have two adult children, a son and daughter, and we are very much at odds. My son has said some really awful things to my daughter, son-in-law, husband, and me. We have no idea what we did to incite this and are heartbroken at the fact that we have not been to see his daughter for two years.

He went through a brutal divorce and custody battle and has since remarried a lovely young woman who is apparently not willing to get involved in this matter. He told us in vehement, venomous terms that he didn’t want us at his wedding, but then we did receive an invitation.

We did not attend because we didn't want anything to mar the day for his new wife. We’re not sure where to go with this. Any suggestions you might have would be greatly appreciated.

– Sad Mom

Dear Mom: Start with a letter, acknowledging the receipt of the wedding invitation and stating your reasons for not attending. It’s fine to write that you were confused about what he wanted, considering what he’d said before. But you don’t need to dwell too much on his comments in the letter – there will hopefully be time for explanation, apology and amends later.

Instead, express what you’re feeling now. Tell him that you are heartbroken about what has happened between you and you want to fix your relationship. Ask him if he’s willing to do that and ask what steps he would need to make that happen. You might also think about what steps you need to make that happen and tell him in the letter.

It sounds like his words did a lot of damage to you and your family. You don’t have to simply accept it for the sake of the relationship. But because he’s sending conflicting messages, it will be helpful to determine whether his feelings have changed, or if something else has changed for him. But even if there has been a big shift, you’re still owed an explanation.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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