ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I am 71 and have a “boyfriend” who is 79. We have been a couple for more than 10 years however during that time we only saw one another on average once a week for various reasons, such as he is an hour away, we are at different stages in life and we both like our space.

It was a fun relationship with lots of drinking and some drugging, kind of like being in my 20s again.

But now, I am way more interested in settling down, seeing my grandchildren and staying healthy. He continues to have friends over daily who drink and smoke.

I rarely see him, although he calls promptly every day at 5 o’clock and continues the pretense that we are still a couple. I need to break it off and just be friends but I’m so afraid to hurt him or piss him off. He is very old-fashioned and tends to be loyal to a fault. I also feel guilty because he is almost 80 now. But time is very precious at our age. I refuse to waste it.

Am I being a total jerk? Or do I have a point? And if so, how do I kindly get it across to him?

– Not So In Love Anymore

Dear Not So In Love: We all change. In a happy relationship, and in one that has its faults, one thing that’s guaranteed is that a decade in, we won’t be the same people as we were when we started. Change can be an opportunity to reconnect. But it can also be an opportunity to re-evaluate. It sounds like you’re availing yourself of that second opportunity right now.

This isn’t “being a jerk.” Your life has changed, your priorities have changed and what you need has changed. At the same time, your relationship has started to stagnate. It’s fine to acknowledge that in many ways you are already “just friends.”

Before you talk to him, you should think about what friendship looks like to you. Would you want to continue the daily phone calls, for instance? Or do you need to give your relationship a different structure? Is this mostly about relieving the pressure to feel like you need to be as actively involved in his life and his habits as a girlfriend would be? These kinds of questions will help guide you, but you don’t have to have it all figured out. However, if there is a boundary that you’d like to put into place in your relationship, it’s good to go into this conversation with that in mind.

Breakups do hurt sometimes. You don’t have a responsibility to keep him from that hurt. Your responsibility is to treat him and yourself with fairness and with clarity.

Dear Eric: Although I recently turned 80, I still regularly attend a gym for light workouts. It is a large gym that offers the service of personal trainers for those who seek assistance.

I've never used a personal trainer but have always shared a gleeful greeting with one in particular. She is a middle-aged woman who seemingly is always smiling.

I hadn't seen this woman in a few months but recently saw her working with a client off in the distance. As I walked toward her, I saw she had a full prosthesis on her left leg. She looked up, smiled and said hello. I froze and didn't know what to do. I just smiled back, said hi, and walked away. Did I do the right thing?

– A Loss For Words

Dear Words: Yes, smiling and giving a friendly greeting was the right thing to do here. Since she was with a client, interrupting to ask a question or to express concern would have put her in a potentially awkward position. At best it would have distracted her and her client from the task at hand.

From your description, it sounds like you have a very casual relationship. So, she might not be inclined to talk about her prosthesis with you. Indeed, she might be getting asked about it all the time at the gym and could very well welcome the opportunity to just say hi and keep moving.

On the other hand, she might be eager to talk about it. There’s certainly no shame in it and she could be quite proud of the progress she’s made. This isn’t a subject that you have to treat with kid gloves. But let the context of your relationship and the context of your interactions be your guide. If you find yourself in conversation with her during which you’re both sharing about yourselves and you feel compelled to ask her about it, feel free. But also know that no one is under any obligation to answer questions about their body, even at a gym.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.