ArcaMax

Dear Eric: I have been widowed for almost three years now. About a year ago, I began dating a guy significantly younger than me. Prior to our romantic involvement, we were close platonic friends for more than a decade, and he was in fact a close friend of my late husband.

We communicated well and thoroughly discussed the effects that dating may have on our close relationship if it doesn’t work out. So, this is not a “Boy Toy” phase or situation.

He has always looked and acted much older than he is and I look younger than my age. So, taking all that into consideration, my new guy has no problem with our age gap and tries to assure me that we do not even appear to have an age gap.

However, I live in a very small rural area where everyone knows each other and are constantly in each other's business. Up until now, we usually went on dates out of town, but this year I would like to stop hiding the fact that we are a couple.

Since most people around here know my age and have never really seen me with anyone other than my late husband, I know that nosy questions will be asked. I would like to be able to respond in a way that lets them know that it’s really none of their business, but I also feel like just because they are rude, doesn’t necessarily mean I have to respond rudely.

What can I say that gently informs them that their question is out of line, and I feel it is unnecessary for them to be calculating the age gap between us. I have no desire to listen to anyone’s opinions on age gap relationships, and I don’t have any reason to try to justify our relationship to people it does not affect. Can you give me a clever response to being asked “How old is he?”

– Not Your Stereotypical Cougar

Dear Not Your Stereotypical Cougar: “He’s old enough to make his own decisions.” You can try that or you can say, “if you want to know how old he is, you should ask him. If you have another question, you should ask that directly.”

Now, these might be a little more arch than you’re looking for. However, it seems from your letter that these conversations have already started in your mind. You may be training for a fight that doesn’t come.

So, part of the solution may be deciding for yourself that whatever is going on in other people’s mind is their business and not your concern.

This is often easier said than done – no one wants to be gossiped about. But you rob yourself of the joy of your relationship by giving up too much mental space to other people’s questions, especially questions that haven’t been asked yet. We can’t control what other people think and there’s freedom in deciding to stop trying. I wish you happiness.

Dear Eric: My parents own many properties which were put into three trusts for me, my sister and my brother when they pass away. They are approaching their 80s and still manage these properties by themselves with some help from my brother.

My question to them is, can they start teaching us how to manage these properties and how to keep the books, so when they pass, we are not stuck trying to figure all this out on our own?

Every time I bring this up, they get very vague and basically skirt around the subject saying they are not retiring any time soon so there’s nothing for us children to do right now.

Do I just hope things will work out when they pass or do I need to be more proactive and keep trying to get answers from them now?

– Tired of Being Kept in the Dark

Dear Tired: Try to be proactive, to ease your nerves and to, ideally, share the workload. It will be helpful, however, to place less emphasis on needing this information to prepare for their passing.

They have valuable knowledge from years of lived experience and effort. And you both have a unique and precious opportunity to spend time together as they share that knowledge with you. Focus on that. Inheritance is not just about money and property; it’s also about legacy.

They may resist being asked to teach if they feel it’s solely because one day you’ll replace them. This is understandable. No one wants to think about being replaced; no one wants to feel irrelevant in their own lives.

Remember and remind them that having them here is the gift, that it’s something you value more than the trust, and that their presence isn’t something you want to take for granted.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.