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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you have a suitable answer to those who say to me, an older woman, "You must have been attractive when you were young," or after looking at an earlier photo, "Is that you?"

I also feel uncomfortable when being referred to as a "young lady" or a "girl," and being told I'm "X years young," or being asked "How old are you?"

GENTLE READER: It is an affliction of old age to be patronized by the young, who lack the imagination to realize that with any luck, that is where they are heading. Remember the "Never trust anyone over 30" cry? The person who started that is now 86 years old.

Miss Manners will shock you by the antidote she recommends: Flaunt your age. This will give the lie to anyone who thinks it embarrasses you, or who thinks you would welcome their help in denying it.

So while it is indeed considered rude to ask the age of grownups in this society, she is suggesting that you give an honest answer. And correct the "years young" construction by saying, "No, I'm X years old." When addressed as "young lady," or referred to as a "girl," say, "Surely you are not referring to me."

If you do all this pleasantly, as if you were puzzled, rather than offended, it will become clear that the underlying assumption of this supposed flattery is invalid.

But the "must have been" remark requires no answer whatsoever -- just let it hang there. And "Is that you?" needs only a simple yes. Although you might add, as if explaining life to a child, "I was younger then."

To be clear: Miss Manners is not rescinding the rule against asking people's ages. That is still in the same nosy category as asking how much money they make and whether they are ever going to get married or have children.

She just wants to get rid of the coyness of concealing age, which adds to the perception that old age is an embarrassment.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I do a lot of recreational traveling. Sometimes, we take local tours. In these, there are a significant number of comments using America as a source of laughter. How should I handle this? Just stand there and be humiliated?

GENTLE READER: Well, no, but neither do you want to start a political fight, which most people would not consider recreational. When that seems to be where the remarks are headed -- and unless you encounter serious people who are willing to talk about their national problems, as well -- Miss Manners would suggest demurring with "We're not thinking about such things while we're on vacation."

But you are talking about ridicule. Then, the first rule is not to join in the laughter, but to keep a perfectly straight face. Then you might say gently, even wistfully, "We're guests here, you know," thus alerting sneerers that they are being rude. But don't pause before adding "and we'd love to hear some of the funny things about your country."

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN