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DEAR ABBY: I am the single mom of a 19-year-old daughter who copes with bipolar 2, ADHD, anxiety and depression. She has a mental age that's younger than her adult self. Over the years, she has gone through therapy and changes in medication.

It has been recommended that my daughter attend a residential therapy program, but she refuses. Since finishing high school, she has refused everything: college classes, job applications, exploring other therapies or taking any small steps toward independence in the future.

Her goals now center around socializing and smoking marijuana with a few friends. She rarely leaves her room except when they call. There are days I doubt she's med compliant or wants the help others try to give.

It's heartbreaking watching her being "stuck," but I am also tired of being held hostage to her behavior and actions. Many days I want to pack up her stuff and tell myself she'll figure things out. (I would continue to be here when she needs me.) Is this fair given her mental health challenges? Because she is at risk, I feel like anything I do is wrong. -- BURNED-OUT MOM IN COLORADO

DEAR MOM: I know of few people who, if given the choice, wouldn't like life to be a constant party. You may need the services of a licensed psychotherapist to decide what to do to help your daughter. It's apparent to me that unless there are consequences for her unwillingness to help herself, nothing will change and she will continue floating on a cloud of cannabis in perpetuity.

I suggest you make her continuing to live with you contingent upon her participation in the program that will help her gain some independence. If you need more guidance about this, contact NAMI -- the National Alliance on Mental Illness. It's the nation's largest mental health organization, dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans affected by mental illness. You will find more information about it at nami.org.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died five years ago, and my stepfather passed away a month ago. Both were cremated with no service, no obituary and no celebration of life. My parents' wish was to be placed together at their home.

I asked my brother, stepsister and stepbrother if I could have a small amount of their ashes to place in a small urn or a piece of memorial jewelry. My stepbrother is fine with my request; the other two are appalled.

I am the oldest, but my stepfather gave my brother power of attorney. I think this authority has gone to his head, as he tells us he is the boss. Was it wrong to request some of my parents' ashes? -- GRIEVING DAUGHTER

DEAR GRIEVING DAUGHTER: Please accept my condolences for the loss of your parents. Of course your request was not wrong or even unusual. Families often divide a loved one's ashes just as you described. If your brother continues to ignore your appeals as a grieving sibling, you must decide whether this is important enough to bring a lawyer into the discussion.

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