Dear Anna,

My girlfriend and I recently celebrated our second anniversary. I tried to make it special. I surprised her by booking a little cabin upstate she’d been eyeing for months, planned the whole weekend and cooked her favorite meal from scratch the first night. It wasn’t cheap, but I wanted to do it.

A few days later, she told me I “don’t really spend money on her anymore.” I asked her what she meant by that and she said I used to take her shopping and pay for trips to the salon and that I haven’t done that “in a while.” That honestly hurt. Money is tight right now, but I still make an effort to treat her when I can — dinners, little gifts, flowers, things I know she likes. She works, too, but rarely contributes when we go out, and I can’t remember the last time she thanked me for paying.

What really got to me was that she started questioning where my money goes, as if I’m failing some kind of financial obligation to her. Meanwhile, I’d just spent most of what I could afford on our anniversary. I don’t mind being generous with someone I love. But lately I’m starting to resent it. How do I deal with this? — Annoyed at This Mess

Dear ATM,

Oh, I’d be annoyed too.

Not because your girlfriend isn’t allowed to want to be spoiled, but because there’s a big difference between saying “I miss when you did this for me” and “you don’t spend money on me anymore” immediately after you’ve spent most of what you can afford making your anniversary special.

And the issue here isn’t really about whether you should pay for her trips to the salon. To me, it seems like you’re expressing love through generosity, and she’s treating that generosity as an expectation, and as such, feeling hurt that you’ve “withdrawn” that.

I’m curious if the two of you have ever had a serious talk about money and what that means in your relationship.

Not just who pays for dinner — though that certainly merits a conversation — but what you each expect from a partner financially. It’s been two years now, so I imagine you’ve already established some of these norms, but have you actually discussed it?

Does she believe that a boyfriend should routinely pay for not just dates but personal expenses? Do you enjoy doing that? Does she see paying for her clothes as romantic, or does she genuinely consider it part of what a partner is supposed to provide? And what do you believe?

It’s easy for us over here on this side of the internet to villainize your girlfriend as shallow or entitled, but money carries a lot of baggage — class, gender, upbringing, old financial insecurities. One common script is that men should cover more because they typically earn more, which “evens the score.” Another is that generosity, if given repeatedly, quietly becomes the new “normal” rather than a gift.

And! Yet another possibility worth exploring is that she may experience paid-for activities as evidence of being pursued, prioritized or cared for.

What I’m roundabout saying is it’s entirely possible that neither of you is trying to be an asshole here. It’s possible you’re operating from different scripts altogether, and the question then becomes: Can you get on the same page?

And I actually think the lack-of-appreciation part of your letter may be more important than the money. If you’re routinely paying for dinners, planning dates, buying little gifts and making an effort to make her feel special, while rarely hearing “thank you,” of course you’re going to start feeling resentful. You don’t need applause every time you pick up the check, but you do need to feel that your effort is being noticed.

A gift stops feeling like a gift when it becomes the baseline expectation — and then you start feeling like you’re being graded on what you haven’t provided instead of appreciated for what you have.

And I think your resentment is telling you something useful.

You’re angry because you don’t feel appreciated. You’re thinking, I’m stretching myself financially because I love you, and somehow you’re looking at what I haven’t provided instead of what I have.

I’d start by having a conversation that clarifies your values. Something like:

“I want to talk about something that’s been bothering me. I just spent most of what I could afford making our anniversary special — the cabin, cooking your favorite meal — and a few days later you told me I don’t spend money on you anymore because I haven’t paid for shopping or salon trips lately. That made it feel like what I did do didn’t count. I like treating you, but I don’t want my spending to become an expectation or a measure of how much I love you, especially when money is tight. I need us to figure out what feels fair to both of us.”

I’d also try to get to what’s underneath the money, a la what she thinks the spending means. Does she actually miss the salon appointments, or does she miss feeling spoiled? Does being taken shopping make her feel prioritized or desired? Sometimes we’re arguing about the $100 purchase when the thing we’re actually asking for is, “Do you still think I’m worth making a fuss over?”

And if she tells you that yes, she wants a partner who regularly pays for certain things, don’t get stuck arguing about whether that expectation is objectively reasonable. You don’t have to convince her she’s wrong. You just have to decide whether it’s a relationship dynamic you want.

So, have some chats and see what’s what. Maybe you’ll discover that you have wildly different expectations when it comes to expenses. Maybe you’ll come to an understanding. Maybe she’ll find ways to show her appreciation for you or vice versa — that don’t involve dollars, only sense. (Sorry.)

But, whatever you do, don’t bankrupt yourself trying to prove that you’re a good boyfriend. If money is scarce, you don’t need to spend every available dollar on dates and gifts. A partner who loves you should be able to enjoy a cheap dinner, a picnic, a movie at home or a handwritten note without concluding that you suddenly care less.

Generosity is lovely. So is reciprocity. And reciprocity doesn’t necessarily mean she has to spend exactly what you spend. It means you both should be contributing something — money, effort, planning, affection, appreciation, whatever makes the other person feel cared for.

TLDR: Give because you want to, not because you’re afraid of what will happen if you don’t. And if you need more appreciation, ask for it. If she needs more generosity, she can ask for that, too. Then the two of you can decide whether those needs actually fit together.

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