Dear Anna,

I’m 34 and recently got back into dating after a five-year relationship ended about a year ago. I took time to work on myself, went to therapy, and I’m finally ready to put myself out there again. The problem? I’ve completely lost the ability to tell if someone is actually interested in me. I’ve been on maybe eight or nine first dates in the past few months, and I leave every single one feeling confused. Did they have a good time? Were they just being polite? When they said “we should do this again,” did they mean it, or is that just what people say? I’m constantly analyzing every text, every pause in conversation, every time they do or don’t make eye contact. I’ve turned into a detective, looking for clues about whether they like me, and it’s exhausting. A few times I’ve convinced myself someone was really into me only to get a “I think we should be friends” text the next day. Other times I’ve assumed there was no chemistry and then been surprised when they asked me out again. I feel like I’ve completely lost my radar for reading people, and it’s making dating feel … weird. Is there a way to get better at this, or am I just supposed to exist in this state of constant uncertainty? How do I know if someone likes me? — Can’t Read the Room

Dear CRTR,

While wanting to know if someone likes you is a totally valid question, I’d like to gently steer you in the other direction. You’re asking how to decode other people’s interest, but what you actually need is to start prioritizing your own.

I know that sounds like advice-column deflection, but stay with me. You’re spending so much energy trying to decode other people’s feelings that you’re completely ignoring your own. You’re treating every date like an audition where you’re waiting to find out if you got the part, instead of recognizing that you’re also the one doing the casting.

After a long relationship and a year of being single, it makes sense that you feel rusty. You’re out of practice reading romantic signals, and the modern dating landscape — where people are polite but noncommittal, where “let’s do this again” is, yes, sometimes just a social nicety — makes it even harder. But here’s the thing. Even if you could perfectly read every signal, it wouldn’t actually solve your problem. You’d still be giving all your power away to other people’s opinions of you.

So let’s reframe this entirely. During and after each date, instead of obsessing over whether they liked you, ask yourself: Did I enjoy spending time with them? Did the conversation flow naturally, or was I performing? Do I want to see them again, or am I just interested because I think they might be interested in me? Am I attracted to them, or am I attracted to the validation of being chosen? (Admittedly, that’s a very difficult question to answer over a few hours of Coors Light and queso dip, but still worth asking.)

Those are much more useful questions, and they’re the only ones you can actually answer with any certainty.

Here’s an even harder truth about early dating — most people don’t know how they feel after one date. Sometimes there’s immediate chemistry (though sometimes it’s also just lust, which is an extremely unreliable barometer). Sometimes there’s a quiet charge of potential that needs a second or third date to develop. Sometimes someone seems great on paper (or over texts) but the spark just isn’t there. None of that is a referendum on your worth — it’s just the messy, imperfect process of figuring out compatibility.

Here’s what I’d like you to try. Stop treating ambiguous signals as rejection. When someone says “let’s do this again” and then doesn’t follow through, that doesn’t mean you misread the situation — it means they were genuinely uncertain or their feelings changed. People are allowed to be unsure. You’re allowed to be unsure too.

Focus on what you can control. Be clear about your own interest, when it’s there. If you had a good time and want to see someone again, say so. Text them. Suggest plans. Don’t play it cool and wait for them to make the first move while secretly hoping they will. That’s just another version of outsourcing your feelings to someone else.

And when you’re genuinely unsure how you feel about someone, give it one more date if you’re curious, or don’t if you’re not. You don’t owe anyone a second chance, but you also don’t have to make a final judgment after 90 minutes of small talk over mini golf.

As for learning to read signals better — it’s an art form, for sure. But try not to drive yourself nuts over individual moments or action. Instead focus on consistency and repeated behaviors. Someone who’s interested will make an effort to see you again. They’ll respond to your texts in a reasonable time frame. They’ll ask you questions and remember your answers. But even then, sometimes interested people get busy or anxious or conflicted, so none of this is foolproof.

The only real answer here is to stop waiting for other people to tell you you’re worth their time, and start deciding whether they’re worth yours.

©2026 Tribune Content Agency, LLC.