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Dear Eric: As a low-income 60+ senior citizen with health issues, including terminal cancer, I am planning my end-of-life arrangements and setting up a prepaid funeral fund, which includes a memorial service with a buffet.

I want to ensure these funds are used well; if key loved ones cannot attend, I plan to donate the money to charity instead.

I'm not ready to leave this mortal coil, I have a few years before the infusion medication may or may not stop working. But is it appropriate or too morbid for me to ask my close family and friends: "would you attend my memorial service? Are there any days or times that work best for you? Please let me know your honest thoughts – there are no right or wrong answers."

– Morbid or Not

Dear Morbid or Not: First, I wish you many more years, and I hope those years are filled with as much care and empathy as you’re expressing here. While many people don’t want to discuss their wishes for the end of their lives, it can be quite a kindness to let loved ones know what you’re planning and what you hope for, especially if you’re already footing the bill.

Kudos to you for making plans and kudos for trying to be a good steward of the money you’ve set aside.

I don’t think this question is morbid. However, you might consider redesigning the question so that you get information that’s most helpful to you. People may be a little overwhelmed by the prospect of committing to a day at some unknown future point. Consider being upfront with your whole plan and start by suggesting a specific day. “If I had my memorial on a Saturday in June, can you think of anything that would get in the way of people attending?”

You may also want to build some flexibility into the plan. Perhaps you have a friend or friends whom you can ask to be responsible for supervising things after you’ve passed. This person or people can poll the group at that time and make sure your wishes are carried out as best as possible.

Dear Eric: My father had three children when he married my mother and then they had me. It was a troubled, violent marriage for all.

I was the only one that went to college and did quite well.

Over the years, I’ve tried to get to know my siblings and their families. It always comes down to them asking me for money or getting me involved in their substance abuse and then saying I abandoned them.

There’s been so many lies, starting with saying I was handed life on a silver platter with everything paid for, which is a complete lie. I’m a self-made person.

Do I need to speak to these people ever again? Should I try to have a relationship with one brother that I grew up with but still believes everything they say about me?

– Youngest Stepchild

Dear Youngest: I’m sorry you have to navigate this complex and contentious family dynamic. It must be painful and quite lonely to have your efforts rebuffed.

It’s less helpful to talk about absolutes like “ever again” and more helpful to talk about “right now.” Right now, it doesn’t seem like there’s a path forward to a healthy relationship with your stepsiblings. You’ve tried in the past and it hasn’t gone well; you know that there are still some hurtful misconceptions lingering out there. So, ask yourself what you’d hope to gain from reaching out again at the moment.

Holding back for now doesn’t mean permanently shutting the door. People can change; relationships can change. You and your stepsiblings have had to navigate a lot of trauma as a result of your parents’ marriage. That doesn’t go away easily and, as you’re experiencing, it can poison other relationships. There’s work to be done.

But you can only do the work for yourself. Continue to prioritize your own mental and emotional health. There may come a time when you feel ready to make another attempt to reach them or there may come a time when they’ve done some work and reach out to you. Even at that point, you’re under no obligation to restart a relationship if you don’t feel ready.

Dear Readers: From time to time, I prepare a column dedicated to a specific theme.

Do you have what you might consider a petty grievance or a tiny problem that, despite its size, you can’t quite fix? This isn’t a call for complaints. We’re looking for problems you want to solve.

Additionally, is there something from the past, something that seems settled – for better or worse – that you want to take another look at? Again, I’m all ears. Send them to the regular address: eric@askingeric.com.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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