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Dear Eric: This past July we rented a house for our two daughters, their partners and our grandkids to spend time together since they live states away. We live within 15 minutes of this house so we would spend our days doing activities in the mountains and all regroup at the rental house in the evening.

The last couple of days of the vacation it became evident the male partners of our daughters were not getting along. One of the guys actually threatened the other for correcting his kids and left abruptly with the family on the last day.

We were not sure how to handle this, so we just let it evolve. We told the other male partner the offending partner wouldn't be invited next year for his threatening behavior. We were hoping to have this as a yearly get together but now, we’re not sure about this situation and what we should do for next year. I am already stressing out about it.

What would your advice be?

– Shellshocked in the Mountains

Dear Mountains: The threatening partner’s behavior is concerning so the first thing you should do is reach out to the daughter with whom he’s in a relationship and check in about her safety. While he may have simply had an extreme response to the conflict with the other partner, the fact that he was willing to resort to threats and insisted on leaving with his family strongly suggests that he might use similar tactics in other areas of his life.

Your daughter isn’t responsible for his actions, of course, but she may need to hear from someone she trusts that if she is also the target of his outbursts or isolating behaviors, there are resources available to her.

Also consider talking to the partner, even if you don’t plan to invite him next year. His actions impacted the entire group and it’s appropriate to tell him that. This conversation can help you articulate what you need and expect from this relationship.

Additionally, it helps reinforce the idea that you want to do what you can to maintain healthy bonds. Were you to simply not invite him, with no explanation, it could become easier for his branch of the family to construct their own narrative and drift away.

Dear Eric: I have a sister who is six years older than me; she has never been nice to me. Something is off, and my hopeful thinking about our relationship constantly turns sour. I finally established some boundaries. I try to always be cordial but try to keep my life separate.

She seems to have problems with the clubs she belongs to and left the one she was at. She now shows up at my club playing with women I know but don’t play regularly with. I find it incredibly obnoxious and maddening but play it as cool as possible. I had told her early on that it bothered me, but true to form, she said she couldn’t care less.

I had my front door and gate open because I was hosting a small get-together for my French club. My sister walks into the house uninvited and presents a bag she brought over. I sent a text with some fluff conversation but included, “going forward, please text before coming by, so I know to expect you, and I won’t be in the middle of something or not at home.”

This is the second or third time she’s done this, and as she saw I had people over, I feel the correct thing would have been to leave the package at the front door.

It never works to confront her, so as usual I feel like I’m left holding the bag of frustration.

– Too Close Sister

Dear Sister: It does seem that your geographical proximity is complicating the boundaries you’re trying to set. If I’m reading this correctly, your sister lives close enough that she can drop by and even perhaps see when you’re hosting clubs. It sounds like this may even be in the same community.

In some ways, this is the perfect storm. If she was just a slightly annoying neighbor, she might be easier to ignore. If she was your sister who didn’t live so close, her habits might not grate as much. Instead, it seems likely that every time she does something that doesn’t sit right with you, it brings up a deeper well of frustration that has been accumulating for your whole life.

This is hard to navigate in real-time, so it might be good to remind yourself that this is just who your sister is, for better or worse. This doesn’t mean condoning it. But it might help you to choose your battles in a way that relieves some of your annoyance.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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