ArcaMax

Dear Eric: My spouse of 12 years and I do not fight, argue, or call names; we generally see eye to eye except when it comes to sex drive. We're both respectful but I do admit I have become uncaring over the years of avoidance of the issue and ignorance of how much I've worked to change.

Aside from early into the relationship my spouse will not initiate sex. Occasionally, after long stints she may ask me, yet it always feels forced, under time constraints and always after very long periods of time where I have ceased attempts with her.

I've tried literally 14 times over 12 years to speak to her about the issue. I've spoken calmly, non-accusatory and have been widely open to change in any and all regards to make things better.

I've explained its importance and its negative effect on my day-to-day mood. I've been left with no response at all. No info to go on, no help to change. I've learned to cook, been a great housekeeper, childcare, masseuse trying to find something that may make her care enough, yet nothing. I get there may be issues I'm unaware of, but I wouldn't know.

We're going to sort out counseling shortly. I'll bring up my same concerns as I always have. Do you have any advice about how I can help her be more comfortable to open up to me so we can get past this? I deeply love her and want to be what she needs me to be to be happy.

– Want to Be Closer

Dear Closer: I’m glad you’re planning to work with a counselor about this. Often couples find themselves stuck in a problem and it’s important to remember that you don’t have to untie every knot by yourselves. In fact, it can be easier to involve a neutral third party who can help translate, diffuse, and clarify.

Going into these sessions, remind yourself that you are both navigating a communication challenge in your relationship. You may or may not be hearing each other clearly and you’re not connecting in a way that seems to work for either of you. Intercourse is likely only a part of the issue, not the root.

So, try not to think of these sessions as an opportunity for you both to work on a concern you have with your wife. This isn’t about “fixing” a problem or changing her.

This is about creating a safe space for you both to talk to and hear each other and, ideally, understand each other better.

Dear Eric: I'm a senior who's getting tired of friends my age wanting favors and assuming I'll do more than I want to do.

Some friends are becoming increasingly needy, wanting me to take them to doctor’s appointments, outpatient surgeries and grocery stores and to act as handyman.

I've started setting boundaries, standing up for myself and saying, no I cannot do that.

They frequently want to debate or talk me into it. It's hard to have to stand my ground and it makes me uncomfortable and resentful.

What's going on? I'm feeling overwhelmed and unappreciated as a friend. Can you provide some perspective on this? Maybe I'm not even seen as a friend, just someone they can use. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

– Team Player

Dear Team: It’s good that you’ve been working on setting and holding boundaries. Some may think that boundaries, or even the word “no,” create fissures in relationships. But the truth is boundaries help to keep relationships healthy and safe. To wit, in your case, the feeling that your needs or capacity haven’t been considered has led to resentment, so a boundary is necessary to keep resentment from growing.

The debate is concerning. Your friends may be taking you for granted, or they may think that your “no” isn’t a hard no. They may also be focused on the enormity of their own needs and unable to make space for yours. It can be very disempowering to get to a place in life where one needs help getting to appointments or doing household tasks they once could do with ease. It can be frightening as well. It’s likely a relief to have a friend who is available to help. Your friends may not have other people to whom they can turn.

This isn’t to say that you should simply grit your teeth and bear it. Quite the opposite; if it’s become burdensome or you feel unappreciated, the healthy thing to do is to pause and make sure that you and your friends are hearing each other clearly so that no one gets overwhelmed.

This might mean you only make some of the trips and help them think of other friends who can lend a hand.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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