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Dear Eric: I saw my pastor on a dating app. This is mostly fine, because he is single and hasn’t taken a vow of chastity (that I know of). He even said in his profile that he leads a faith community. We matched and I messaged something silly. I guess he didn’t remember who I was because he messaged back and we got to talking.

I was curious and a little nosy so I didn’t tell him that I knew him from the real world. To be fair, I only go to church sporadically and I can’t recall us ever talking. That’s part of why I was curious about his “dating app personality.”

We’ve messaged on and off a few times. Nothing inappropriate. But now he wants to go on an actual date, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him now, can I?

– Love in the Pews

Dear Love: Indeed, you can tell him now and you should. It would be responsible of him, to say the least, to studiously avoid relationships with congregants so if you do consider yourself a congregant, even sporadically, you need to let him know. Failing to do so could put his job at risk and imperils the success of any relationship you might have together.

It’s also important to begin any potential relationship with as much integrity as possible. You don’t have to tell people on dating apps every detail of your life, of course. (In fact, you absolutely should not.) But because you have a pre-existing connection, one that comes with healthy boundaries, it’s better to be forthcoming.

There’s nothing wrong with being curious about what you see on dating apps. But when you purposefully withhold information that might change the interaction, it starts to cross the line.

Dear Eric: What's your advice when someone asks you to donate to a charity you do not believe in supporting? This happened to me many years ago, but I'm still at a loss of what I should have done versus what I did do. I refused and offered to donate to something else. My mother-in-law, the honoree, was not at all pleased with me. What's your advice in this situation?

– Happy to Donate to Something I Believe In

Dear Happy: It’s OK to keep your checkbook closed rather than starting a conflict. If the organization or cause is really abhorrent to you (rather than simply something you wouldn’t normally support), you also might consider giving money to the celebrant directly or choosing to forgo a money gift at all in favor of a card and/or a meaningful item.

While it’s important to stand up for what one believes, this kind of gift request doesn’t seem like an area that warrants a lot of debate. Ultimately, when a celebrant asks that guests donate to a charity in lieu of gifts, they’re stating a preference. While they’d like for you to honor their preference, side-stepping the request but still showing up or sending congratulations accomplishes the larger goal – honoring their achievement.

Dear Eric: During a recent visit, my brother revealed that he has intentionally distanced himself and cut off communication with me because I have chosen not to have a relationship with our half-sister. While he maintains a relationship with her, I have made a personal choice not to, and he is now treating me differently as a result.

I would appreciate hearing your thoughts on my brother's decision to distance himself based on my choice regarding our half-sister.

– Cut-off Sister

Dear Sister: You can’t control your brother’s behavior, unfortunately. While it’s not clear from your letter why you’ve chosen to cut off contact with your half-sister nor why he’s taken this decision personally, it is clear that he believes that your choice is incompatible with his life right now. That is his right, though it may be painful to you.

A helpful next step might be to ask him for more information, presuming you don’t already have it. Does he feel you’re being unfair or cruel? Does he think this reflects poorly on your character? Does he wish for a different solution for all of you? And what do you want? Would you be happy to have a relationship with him but not with her?

Finding out more about what he thinks will then empower you to have a conversation about what you can both do to solve this difference of opinion. His answer may be that you need to connect with your half-sister. That may be a dealbreaker for you.

I’m not saying that either of you has to compromise. But simply ceasing contact doesn’t get to the root of the issue. If you want anything to change in this situation, you have to talk about it.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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