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Dear Eric: Because I am getting older (80 this year), my husband and I, who have been attending funerals more frequently lately, have begun discussing our funeral/burial wishes.

We have shared some of these with our three married sons. The oldest seems to think that the funeral is for those remaining, and I should not have much to say about it. Although I have expressed interest in being cremated, he wants me to have an open coffin and wake. He also vehemently objects to some of my chosen songs for the service because he doesn’t like them. He means well, but he also wants his way.

Though I know he loves me dearly, he is very stubborn. My fear is that those left behind, if I die first, will have to deal with this. I don’t want alienation and discord in our close family, and the last thing I want is anger and contention at what can be a loving closure to life.

– Mourning Mom

Dear Mom: While your son's actions may be coming from a place of love, they’re also coming from a place of control. Now, he may be trying to control his own fears about your mortality, but – inadvertently or not – he’s also disempowering you and dismissing your wishes for your own burial, which is not an act of love.

You should decide which aspects of your end-of-life plans are ones you can release, and which are non-negotiable. At the very least, you should have the burial plan that you want. You can do this by documenting your wishes in writing, including choosing which family member you’d like to be responsible for carrying out your wishes. It may not be him.

You can even include your wishes in an advance healthcare directive or will (with the caveat, that a will may not be accessed in time, so this would be more about making sure your wishes are recorded).

Then have a discussion with all of your children about it. This doesn’t avoid potential conflict, of course. But by making this a public, and group, conversation in which your wishes are clear, you can redirect some of your oldest son’s pushback. You don’t have to be beholden to his wants. He is not the last word. And if he can’t do this for you, in a way that respects you, you can – with love – place the responsibility elsewhere.

Dear Eric: As she does yearly, a friend recently came to spend a couple of weeks with me in my house. She lives in another state and tries to get away from the heat.

During the daylight hours when she is with me and we have no guests, my friend is on her iPad all day and evening. It is very difficult to have a conversation with someone who never makes eye contact with me but is focused on her iPad.

If I ask her a question or try to interject a topic I would like to discuss with her, she answers briefly and goes right back to her iPad.

My friend is a very intelligent person with interesting ideas, and we can have great discussions when we are out with friends, and no one has a device. How can I gently ask her to spend more time with me without the iPad? Frankly, I feel disrespected and think her behavior is very rude, although I don’t think she sees it that way. I’m at the point where I would like her not to come back if all she can do is interact with her iPad and not me. Suggestions?

– Screened Friend

Dear Friend: It may be that your friend is comfortable enough in your home that she treats it as her home in a way. She may have forgotten that she’s a guest and may feel at ease enough to scroll away the day, just as she would if she were in her own place. On one hand, this isn’t terrible; it means you’re close enough that she doesn’t feel the need to put on a show.

This also means that you’re likely close enough for you to talk to her about how you hope your visits will go and ask her to engage with you more. Try to lead with a vision of how you’d like things to be. “I really enjoy your company and when you visit, I look forward to talking with you and spending quality time. It’s hard to do it when you’re on your iPad. Next time you come, can we try to connect more?”

She may not know that this is what you want. So, by making this offer to you, you side-step chastising her and instead give feedback that can help you both to have better visits in the future.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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