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Dear Eric: My ex-husband has begun a relationship with a woman to whom he’s recently introduced our 10-year-old son. He shared via a very long-winded yet somehow vague text that they would be meeting during the two weeks our son was spending with him over the summer break.

Two days after this meeting, he texts again to say that his work schedule changed and that he and his girlfriend decided he and our son would spend the night at her house, she would look after our son the following day and evening during his work shift and then bring our son back to his house after. I’ve not met or ever spoken with his new partner and have just been offered her name at this point.

I don’t agree with the decision being made by the two of them without me; I don’t agree with my son spending a night at her home and a full day with her alone after meeting her just days before. Am I wrong in thinking my son is getting the wrong impression of how relationships are built by being put into this mix so suddenly? Or that it wasn’t OK for his dad to not consult me first on the sleepover part? Or that the time set for their visit together need not include his new relationship to this degree? They are not married, engaged or living together.

– No Sleepovers

Dear Sleepovers: You’re not wrong. You should absolutely have a say about where your child sleeps and who is watching over him. Your husband should, at the very least, have given you the opportunity to talk to her and to establish communication should you need to reach your son or should an emergency have come up. Or, frankly, if you just wanted to – he’s your son.

Depending on what the stipulations of your shared custody agreement are, you (or your attorney) may have to remind your ex about what is and isn’t acceptable. Either way, you should have a conversation with your ex about what you expect when it comes to your son’s whereabouts. You can’t control what he does or how he parents, but it’s not unreasonable to ask that you be able to contact any adult with whom he’s alone.

While you can’t keep your ex from introducing new girlfriends to your son, this is an opportunity for you to start having age-appropriate conversations with your son about where and how he feels safe and how healthy relationships work. These don’t need to be critiques of your ex. Rather, you can take this chance to ask questions and to listen as you raise your son to make better decisions.

Dear Eric: This is in response to “Sad Parents”, whose adult children moved away and who weren’t sure about whether to follow their oldest.

My husband and I are soon moving to Hawaii to be in the same town as our daughters and their families. We are really looking forward to this. But having done this part-time several years ago, we learned that we need to set up a life of our own there and establish reasonable expectations and boundaries.

We don’t expect our daughters to provide our social life, and they don’t expect us to take care of their kids. We are excited about being more involved with the grandkids and enjoying the company of our daughters and their husbands. We plan to pitch in on getting grandkids to their activities and subbing for the adults when they have work travel. And we also have an agreement: text before “dropping by!”

I sing in a community choral group and a church choir and will take voice lessons. We’ve found a church we really like, and it isn’t either of the ones our daughters attend. I teach retired adults online and in person, hike regularly with a group, and will do some church and community volunteering – all the sorts of activities I engage in on the mainland.

We swim several mornings a week at a free community pool. My husband, an avid golfer, will meet and, it is hoped, make friends with fellow golf enthusiasts. And we’re renting a place big enough to host friends and family from the mainland. We’ve also set up a weekly get together (dinner and game night) with our daughters and their families.

– Aloha

Dear Aloha: It sounds like you’re setting yourself (and your daughters and their families) up for success. You’re doing so many very important things: you’ve communicated about expectations and made a game plan; you’ve thought about what your lives will look like independent of them; and you’ve started to figure out how to build a social circle in this new place. These are helpful lessons. I wish you the best.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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