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Ask Amy: Husband’s unfaithful; now he’s grounded forever

Amy Dickinson, Tribune Content Agency on

I’m essentially the sole breadwinner, and I live today as a dedicated husband and partner. I’ve submitted to her every need for accountability.

Is it wrong to put my foot down and take a bit of my life back?

– Betrayer

Dear Betrayer: You and your wife are both trapped by the breach in trust caused by your infidelity during your 20’s.

But just how long is this jail sentence supposed to last?

After 10 years of therapy, transparency and fidelity, you’ve proven that you want to and are able to remain faithful and trustworthy.

 

If you are currently this unhappy and angry in your marriage and haven’t slipped back into your addictive behavior, your recovery seems a solid success.

Your wife has been living in a state of hypervigilance. This is damaging to her physical and mental health. She should definitely resume therapy, and her goal should not be to change or retrain you, but to retrain her own brain away from rumination and anger, and toward balance, trust and health.

It seems logical that if you both want to stay in this marriage but don’t want to stay trapped and angry, then you should take this trust out for a spin and see what it can do.

Go surfing for the day. Your wife will have to feel her feelings, understand her anxiety, and find ways to cope with it.

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