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DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the proper way to refuse a gentleman's invitation for a date? The little white lie seems wrong, and does not discourage the gentleman from issuing more unwanted invitations.

Is there a way to salvage his ego, particularly when one is genuinely appreciative of courteous and courageous efforts? Friends suggest calling him "buddy" or blithely referring to one's current infatuation across the room. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: "How kind of you, but if this is a date, I'm afraid I can't accept. I don't feel that sort of connection."

While not often suggesting resorting to "being honest" -- it is usually just an excuse to be mean -- Miss Manners has found it in this case to be effective, and more importantly, inarguable.

Granted, it does not come without bruised feelings, but most people have been in a similar situation themselves, and might be forgiving. At the very least, they may be appreciative that you are not stringing them along.

Of course, if they deceptively insist the invitation is not a date, and you believe them and go anyway, you will have to reiterate the sentiment -- more emphatically this time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several weeks ago, I accepted the invitation of a good friend to attend the birthday dinner she was planning for her husband, who is also my good friend. These friends entertain several times each year. Each dinner is a lovely multi-course affair with good conversation and delicious food, the result of great effort, care and expense on the part of the hosts.

Unfortunately, I neglected to write the date of the birthday dinner in my calendar, and I failed to attend. When the event concluded, one of the 14 other guests telephoned to tell me I had been missed and to ask whether I was well.

Immediately upon learning of my blunder, I texted the hosts separately and apologized. I am certain my apologies are insufficient.

Under the circumstances, what would constitute a proper apology, and what can I do to make amends?

GENTLE READER: Grovel. And flowers wouldn't hurt.

Write a long, apologetic letter telling them how mortified you are about the blunder. Do not make excuses or lie about your health. But do invite them over for a lovely multi-course dinner and apologize again. If they are good friends, Miss Manners thinks they will forgive you. As long as it never happens again.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I do not eat meat. How can we accept gracious dinner invitations to dine at someone's home and tell them that we don't eat meat without being rude?

GENTLE READER: Most hosts will ask nowadays, but if that does not happen, Miss Manners permits you to say, "I'm afraid that Kurt and I are vegetarians, but we are happy to eat anything else, so please do not go to any trouble."

The chefs will no doubt find this preferable to seeing their filet mignon -- and all the things it leaked on -- politely pushed to the side and wasted.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN