ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My (newly married) last name looks an awful lot like a certain four-letter word. It's rarely used in English, but common in its native language.

When someone new reads my name, whether on a name tag or on a screen, I notice a look of consternation in their eyes as they attempt to decipher the pronunciation without being crass.

When in person, it is easy to run interference: I can say it quickly, clearly annunciating the long "U" before any embarrassment can occur. However, online in large meetings or social gatherings where the "mute" is applied and locked unilaterally, it's more awkward to type out the pronunciation.

GENTLE READER: It is lovely to hear that anyone is still using last names.

Miss Manners has no objection to including a brief "pronounced ___" in parenthesis when you join an online forum, so long as you can refrain from using punctuation to wink, smile or be otherwise undignified about it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: There is this older lady who attends some of my children's sporting events. She is the grandmother of some of my kids' friends. She has become irritating at these functions: Instead of watching the games, she talks rather loudly about other subjects.

I think attendees at a sporting event should be actually present -- or stay home. The junior athletes are due that respect.

GENTLE READER: Sometimes being polite is no more complex than keeping one's criticisms, no matter how reasonable they may be, to oneself. Jousting with a player's grandmother in the stands during a game is not an approved sport.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am writing regarding the polite way to turn down unsolicited and unwanted advice. I have a young child with a severe and visible disability, and my husband and I often receive well-meaning but unwanted advice.

Our son is under the care of a well-trained team of professionals. When we receive unsolicited information, it is helpful to remember these people are usually sharing it out of a place of love because they care and want to help.

I have a practice of taking a deep breath, smiling and saying, "Thank you. That's something for me to think about." They don't need to know I only thought about it long enough to decide it was not worth pursuing. In my experience, these friends almost never follow up.

GENTLE READER: It is gracious of you to start from the assumption that people are well-meaning -- even if you are aware, of course, that not everyone is. Nosiness and the desire to dictate sometimes play a part.

Miss Manners would only add that when you get unsolicited advice that does not merit a genuine "thank you" -- that is, advice that sounds either dangerous or highly critical -- the words of your response are still the correct ones. You need only omit the smile and add a warning frostiness to your tone of voice.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2026 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2026 JUDITH MARTIN